tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-407837411171201432023-10-05T13:15:27.251+01:00Life After StillbirthMy experiences and comments on life, love and the future after the stillbirth of my son.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-2299326001943226632012-06-17T23:30:00.001+01:002012-06-17T23:31:58.069+01:00Father's DayMy husband has been quiet about father's day. It's difficult that it's so close to Griffin's birthday and he isn't in touch with his own father. It feels like he's missing out on both sides. We were at church today and the sermon was on the theme of Fathers day, like we didn't get enough of it in all the shops, but this was on the difficulties of dealing with Father's day. So many people have issue with the day, those who have lost their fathers or have difficult relationships with them. I do think it's good to have a day to honour Fathers but it's tough on alot of people for alot of different reasons.<br />
<br />
<br />
We are still trying to figure out what to do on Friday, we have both taken the day off. Last year we went to Hampstead Heath with some friends and flew kites but I don't feel that it's right this year. We might go to the beach for the day or go for a picnic in the park. If the weather is miserable we might just stay in bed and get pizza delivered. whatever we do we will be honouringou r son by being together and thinking abouthim.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-3388230932826723792012-05-20T21:26:00.000+01:002012-05-20T21:27:35.457+01:00HospitalI suffer from ulcerative colitis. I've hardly been in remission since I was diagnosed 15 years ago but I thought I was doing really well until they decided that my medication was at a high risk of causing liver damage because of the silly way my body metabolises it. So it got changed and I got a really bad flare up and was in hospital for over a week. <br />
<div>
I have to say that out of all my hospital visits it was the most pleasant. There was NO queue at a&e (that was quite shocking with it being a bank holiday weekend but I guess the DIY accident prone crowd aren't as active in central London) and I was in a ward within 2 hours of walking in the door. <br />
I did feel a bit like I was in an episode of House, as the attack came on so quickly they decided that I must have had an infection, then as my blood work was coming back still squiffy it must be some sort of virus. So 2 days of IV antibiotics followed by 6 of IV steroids and the start of a course of anti-virals before they decided that the underlying cause probably didn't matter afterall so just to stick with the tried and tested steroids until my flare was under control and I could go home.<br />
They put me in isolation for the first few days, which was quite nice but I was glad to be in a ward with people to talk to. Unfortunately the old lady in the bed opposite me died in her sleep that first night. She was meant to have gone home that day. <br />
I'm feeling that this is not sounding as pleasant a stay as I innitially intended it to but I really needed the break. In hindsight, I probably hadn't recovered from being ill over Easter. The year 13s were coming up to their exam so I really pushed myself to be at work before I should have and kept going through the side effects of my new meds. Being actually stuck in the hospital meant I couldn't feel bad about doing nothing. I missed the exam in the end but as I had done all the prep the week before a teacher managed to cover me and it went well.<br />
Still off work, my head is like cotton wool, feeling light headed verging on dizzy half of the time, hoping it's a side effect that will wear off soon.<br />
Emotionally I've been a bit all over the place. It just seems a never ending stream of drama at the moment.<br />
<br />
To top it all off my gran is starting chemotherapy tomorrow.<br />
<br />
Here's to a peaceful patch!<br />
<br /></div>Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-22131480151296904382012-04-22T18:48:00.000+01:002012-04-22T18:48:49.766+01:00IComLeavWe<div style="text-align: left;">
I have just started on my first <span style="background-color: white; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">IComLeavWe (short for International Comment Leaving Week), a monthly extravaganza of blog reading and commenting and connecting with people across the world. Very exciting. </span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Visit <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2012/03/icomleavwe-april-2012/">http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2012/03/icomleavwe-april-2012/</a> if you are interested in finding out more or joining in next month.</div>
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Seeing off the dregs of a horrid illness. Was in bed for half my Easter holiday before discovering I had a strep throat infection, a lovely course of antibiotics and another week off work later and feeling much better but still REALLY tired all the time.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
In the UK recently, there has been alot of research into vitamin D and it's suspected that the majority of Scottish people are deficient, turns out I'm one of them. Just got the blood test results through and my levels are half what they should be! This is with taking a multi vitamin daily and being a fan of dairy. Reading up on it, it seems that vitamin D deficiency can cause all sort of bad things (several that I suffer from) including depression and liver problems. With OC being a liver condition, I'm hopeful that fixing my vitamin D levels and tweaking my other medication (long story I haven't gotten into yet) could bring down my chances of getting OC again. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Probably not, but the wonder of positive thinking will make me feel better about even trying again and it's something I can actually do something about now rather than just waiting and hoping.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
I think it's my best ever reaction to a bad blood test result lol.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-68487164450442846272012-04-07T14:11:00.001+01:002012-04-07T14:11:39.305+01:00HeadstoneWe have come in to a small amount of money which means we can afford to get Griffin a head stone. I thought it would cost a whole lot more than it does so we should get a short break away as well. :)<br />
<br />
We've pretty much decided on a plain, black polished granite with gold lettering but are stuck on what the lettering should be. It's for my Grandparents as well so I don't want to have anything too kiddie orientated. We are not particularly religious but my Grandparents were devout Catholics so nothing too secular either. <br />
<br />
I hate the phrase 'born sleeping' as I don't like to think of dead people as asleep, sleeping is not dead! <br />
<br />
I'm figuring something like...<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Here Lies</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
..... (dates)</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
.... (dates) </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Beloved Parents of</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
.......................................</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
.......................................</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Great Grandparents of</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Griffin</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Born an Angel 22nd June 2010</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Much Loved Son of </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
............................................. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
What do you think? All ideas are welcome.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Wasn't so hard when I decided to actually write something but feel I should round it up in some way. It's missing something.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
If you buried your child, what does it say on their gravestone? </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-77241536138791597602012-04-02T14:09:00.001+01:002012-04-02T14:10:18.485+01:0090%My chances of getting Obstetric Cholestasis in a future pregnancy. I'd conned myself into believing it wouldn't happen again. Dwelling on the 60 part of the 60-90% chance of recurrence but last week we saw the specialist who told me in no uncertain terms that I should expect to have it again. <br />
<br />
I was doing alright, we have been trying for another baby since the start of the year and we had a plan. A loose trying not to put pressure on ourselves plan, but enough to feel that I was eventually moving forward. Now I'm not sure where I am. <br />
<br />
Can I really put myself through all this again? I know they will be looking out for me, early screening, the specialist said. Medication and early induction if it does reoccur. I'm fortunate to be on the radar of the leading OC specialist in the country, not directly under her care but she will be there to do blood tests etc if my own consultant doesn't take it seriously. Is it enough?<br />
<br />
Can I live with myself if I don't give it another try?Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-11280408663865186912012-01-02T19:26:00.000+00:002012-01-02T19:26:49.901+00:00Happy New Year!!!Being Scottish, the new year never starts on the 1st. One really can't start anew after a night of no sleep. So today is it.<br />
<div><br />
</div><div>I got a bike for Christmas which ties in nicely with my resolution to do more exercise and to try and give TfL less of my money. The cost of a round trip to work on the tube has gone up by 60p!!!! Grrrrr... It's too far for me to start off cycling to work (16 miles and unavoidable main roads) so I have something to aim for. I'm thinking by the end of summer term would be realistic.<br />
<br />
Christmas was alright really. I had a couple of sad moments but mostly had a good time. It was a much smaller scale event than normal as my brother couldn't make it and the extended family was scattered across the globe. Mum was insistent on the whole Christmas dinner thing so there were masses of leftovers. It was her birthday a few days later so we managed to get through most of it before coming home.<br />
<br />
A good friend of mine has a 2 year old and I was never upset by him before but after seeing him this time I was devastated. Before he was always quite a bit bigger than Griffin would have been but this time they'd both have been toddling about getting under the feet and being fed cake by the bigger kids (at Mum's birthday party). I guess as he gets older the age gap will mean less. <br />
<br />
Other new year resolutions are to cultivate my spiritual side (Starting with meditation, being able to turn my mind off from time to time would be good.) and to see ideas through more. I have so many unfinished projects.<br />
<br />
Happy New Year and may 2012 be all you hope it can be.<br />
<br />
xx</div>Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-27777187293455723322011-12-15T00:40:00.000+00:002011-12-15T00:40:59.206+00:00The ReturnI hope.<br />
<br />
I got so out of the habit of writing that it's tough to know what to write so I'll just go for it.<br />
<br />
Today I am grateful for hope. <br />
<br />
We had a discussion on hope today in a spiritual discussion group that I'm part of and it was really difficult to pin down what exactly hope is. The difficulty was in separating it from faith. We came to the consensus that hope is almost pre-faith. The thing that gets you through the dark when you have can't actually believe that all will be well, but really want it to. <br />
<br />
By faith I don't mean in a specific deity or external being but more in yourself and the goodness of mankind.<br />
<br />
<br />
Dreams<br />
<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;"></span><br />
<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" id="table23"><tbody>
<tr><td style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" valign="top" width="30"><br />
</td><td class="wY100px" style="font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; width: 523px;" valign="top"><span class="f14px fntAri clr333333" style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px;">Hold fast to dreams</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px;">For if dreams die</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px;">Life is a broken-winged bird</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px;">That cannot fly.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px;">Hold fast to dreams</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px;">For when dreams go</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px;">Life is a barren field</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px;">Frozen with snow. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="f20px">Langston Hughes </span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-16353323848194510612011-10-13T23:43:00.000+01:002011-10-13T23:43:15.737+01:00I feel like dancingIt's been a good day. I feel I have to write about it as all my days recently have been not so good and I feel like all I've written here has been a stream of misery.<br />
<br />
Yesterday I had pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix and it's been a long road these last six weeks or so since I got the original abnormal smear test. Waiting for the colposcopy appointment (which did only take 10 days but they were a LONG 10 days) waiting for the biopsy results and then finally the big day where it all gets removed. It's really quite gruesome but I won't give details.<br />
<br />
We are on a month long sex embargo but I'm still on a slight high from the not having potentially fatal stuff growing inside me any more so I'm not worried about it for now ;)<br />
<br />
I wasn't at work today as I had a friend visiting so we went to one of my favourite museums, (<a href="http://www.geffrye-museum.org.uk/">http://www.geffrye-museum.org.uk</a>) then for lunch and some tea and had a good old wander round and a chat. Then I met some work folks for dinner and a West End show (39 Steps which is hysterical and extremely well done). <br />
<br />
So yeah, things are on the up. For today at least.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-25939523442973756992011-09-25T15:06:00.000+01:002011-09-25T15:06:58.830+01:00Moving on??Hey folks,<br />
<br />
I've not been around for a while. I've had a really hard time these last few months, various shit going on that I've just not been able to write.<br />
<br />
I'm currently lying on the floor in the room where Griffin died. On the floor because the bed is in pieces ready to be moved out. Probably the very last time I'll be in the house. It's strange. This is the longest place I've ever called home. My mum lived here for 4 years and I did on and off too due to ill health on both my and my mum's side. Then she moved out and couldn't sell cos of the property crash so was renting it out. When Griffin came along we moved in, for the grand total time of 5 weeks before I ran, grieving to Scotland and back to my family. This was just over a year ago and I've been back several times in a handy-girl role for the tenants.<br />
<br />
The first time going back was tough but as with most of the steps on this road post Griffin it was the anticipation that was worse than the reality.<br />
<br />
I wasn't sad about the house sale, until today. I've moved so many times in my life what's once more? But this one is different. I just spent half an hour crying. I am sad about the flat but mostly because it's the last tangible thing I have from my pre-Griffin life. <br />
<br />
I don't like leaving him behind.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-3102474697044141722011-09-25T12:40:00.002+01:002011-09-25T12:40:21.084+01:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: Palatino, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 19px;">The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.</span>Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-14968696564570874742011-07-22T11:10:00.000+01:002011-07-22T11:10:36.371+01:00On My First Son<em><span style="font-size: large;">On My First Son</span></em>by Ben Jonson<br clear="all" /><br />
<br />
Farewell, thou child of my right hand, and joy ;<br />
My sin was too much hope of thee, lov'd boy.<br />
Seven years thou wert lent to me, and I thee pay,<br />
Exacted by thy fate, on the just day.<br />
Oh, could I lose all father now! For why<br />
Will man lament the state he should envy?<br />
To have so soon 'scaped world's and flesh's rage,<br />
And if no other misery, yet age!<br />
Rest in soft peace, and, asked, say, Here doth lie<br />
Ben Jonson his best piece of poetry.<br />
For whose sake henceforth all his vows be such<br />
As what he loves may never like too much.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-32893037204312319132011-07-20T00:23:00.000+01:002011-07-20T00:23:24.552+01:00Please VoteOC Support is up for charity of the month this month and it could mean a £200 cash injection. To put this in perspective, it's enough money to run the help line for 18months.<br />
<br />
If you could spare the two minutes it takes to register and vote it'd be much appreciated.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.easyfundraising.org.uk/blog/cause-of-the-month-shortlist-2011/">http://www.easyfundraising.org.uk/blog/cause-of-the-month-shortlist-2011/</a><br />
<br />
Thank you<br />
<br />
<a href="http://lifepoststillbirth.blogspot.com/2011/06/not-rare-condition.html">http://lifepoststillbirth.blogspot.com/2011/06/not-rare-condition.html</a><br />
<br />
Also if you would like a mention on my memorial page please let me know. It's looking a bit sparse at the moment.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-84209914211385848682011-07-15T01:02:00.000+01:002011-07-15T01:02:54.709+01:00For GriffIt's almost like you never were<br />
and all a big bad dream<br />
If only I could waken up<br />
but then you'd not have been.<br />
<br />
I couldn't wish your life away<br />
however short it was<br />
and that's the trap I'm living in<br />
because there is such hurt<br />
<br />
The hurt and pain won't go away<br />
I don't want them to<br />
When the story's said and done<br />
It's all I have of you<br />
<br />
My heart is still in tiny bits<br />
it's often all I feel<br />
I say again, again again<br />
How can this be real?Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-19531712225712739462011-07-14T00:01:00.000+01:002011-07-14T00:01:49.539+01:00Hormonally SoundIt's official. My hormones are in lovely balance. I'm not early menopausal, don't have PCOS, am ovulating alright and don't have high testosterone or low estrogen levels.<br />
<br />
So why am I having such irregular (and stupidly long) cycles? It's a mystery. I'll be getting a scan at some point in the next few months but my GP doesn't expect it to reveal anything. To be honest, I don't think she'd have sent me for a scan if I hadn't had a loss. Not this early in investigations anyway. She seemed rather unconcerned but I guess that's how they stop patients from getting stressed unnecessarily. <br />
<br />
I'm concerned. Maybe that's part of the problem. Living under constant stress can put one's cycle off and living without one's child is pretty damn stressful so maybe it is just stress. I am happy that there is no problem there but it's frustrating that my body isn't behaving itself for no apparent reason.<br />
<br />
These last three weeks have been so long. Since Griffin's birthday, it feels like the days have dragged, but I don't know where they have gone. It feels like forever and no time at all. In fact it all feels like forever and no time at all. I guess that's normal because I've read similar in other blogs. <br />
<br />
I don't know what to make of it all but the anti anxiety drugs I started a couple of weeks back have started to kick in so I'm hoping my anxiety and stress will reduce to manageable levels and I can actually think straight. <br />
<br />
On a lighter note I heard a guy in a cafe telling a child (about 9) how he wasn't going to be allowed sweets in the house any more when his little brother was born because they wanted to teach the younger one that raisins were sweets. So the older brother would have to go outside to eat sweets and to hide them in the bottom of his bag if he had to bring them in the house. <br />
<br />
I couldn't help but draw the comparison to smoking, obviously Haribo is the new drug that all the cool kids are doing.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-21459017335796849222011-06-29T23:06:00.000+01:002011-06-29T23:06:58.655+01:00Now What?A year...<br />
<br />
I did think that I was doing well in the lead up to Griffin's birthday. I cried a bit the day before but on the actual day, I felt ok. Sad but also that I'd come so far that I thought I could put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving forward. However, I'm slightly falling apart. I had a really destructive turn on thursday (b-day+1) where I got really (really really) drunk and it must have brought something up because I've been off ever since. <br />
<br />
To the point that I went to the walk-in mental health unit for help. They were really good. I should be getting counselling in the next few weeks and they said I can go back whenever. I'm feeling a bit better by the mere fact that I've taken action and someone unrelated to me is taking how I feel seriously. <br />
<br />
It's such an anti climax. There's not much else to say.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-7868176189891103772011-06-21T00:36:00.000+01:002011-06-21T00:36:02.940+01:00Angel DayI never contemplated the possibility that my baby might die. Even when I'd been told about having obstetric cholestasis, it was under control. There was another couple of weeks before I was in the 'danger zone'. I was taking the medication and scheduled for induction at 37 weeks. <br />
<br />
I was worried about having an actual baby to look after, I was getting really stressed that I hadn't packed my hospital bag yet and about how I didn't have a car seat so I wouldn't be able to get him home. I'd put off buying things cos I was overwhelmed about what to buy and was worried about spending too much money on stuff. I was worried about the pain of labour and if I'd be able to breastfeed. You can imagine the things I worried about but never at any point did not having a live baby.<br />
<br />
Even at the point of being at the hospital, one midwife had been concerned about his heart rate, being whisked in for a scan and them saying that his heart didn't sound right. Even when I asked if I should phone my husband and get him in and they said yes. Being rushed down to labour ward. I did think that they'd be taking him out quick smart but that he'd be alive. I was really worried that he'd be ill, that he wasn't ready to be born, that he'd have to be in SCBU. My baby sister was born dead at 29 weeks and resuscitated and is a happy healthy 10 year old now. Babies don't just die. Otherwise healthy babies don't just die. <br />
<br />
I feel naive, that I should have realised that he was dead. How can I have a dead person inside me and not know? How could I not realise that I was having contractions for hours? Even before I left the hospital that morning where I had been for a blood test I was already in labour. If I had stayed at the hospital or said something I might not be writing this now. I might be preparing for a first birthday party with baby sick in my hair. A little ginger monster toddling around and not sleeping for days on end. I was so worried about not being ready for a small person but I was so much more prepared for that than this.<br />
<br />
So now I commemorate his all too short life on the anniversary of his death.<br />
<br />
See you in heaven wee manSarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-90588860356423547462011-06-18T14:39:00.000+01:002011-06-18T14:41:21.764+01:00Fathers Day<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">Fathers Day is less of an issue in our house than Mothers Day was. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"> As my husband says, 'i don't need a manufactured day every year to tell me i'm a dad'. He's not one for Hallmark Holidays. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;">He didn't see his father growing up so Fathers Day was never an aspect of his life until this year.</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">I also feel that it's eclipsed by its </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">proximity to Griffin's birthday. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">My dad didn't go in much for Fathers Day either so I figure we'll manage this one fine.</span>Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-69395533897919224402011-06-14T00:13:00.000+01:002011-06-14T00:13:57.961+01:00No More FirstsComing up to Griffin's birthday, the thing that gets me is that there are no more firsts. Just seconds, thirds, fourths and so on for forever. I feel like this is my last real chance to be allowed to mourn him. After this there's nothing new. Having dealt with it all once I should be able to manage it again. <br />
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It's been such a long long year, I can't believe it's only been a year but it's hard to comprehend that it's been a whole year without my baby.<br />
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I have the 21st (the day he died) and the 22nd (his birthday) off work, as does hubby. We had real trouble deciding what to do for his birthday but have decided to fly kites with some friends in the park, have a picnic dinner. On the 21st we are going to the local Sands group. We haven't been yet, always putting it off or been working or busy in some other way but with this timing I think we have to.<br />
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We live too far from his grave to make a trip there. To be honest I'm not sure if I'd want to. I haven't been there since the day after the funeral. I know he's safe and the grave is tended but I don't need to go there to know he's not here any more. His constant absence is stronger that anything I could have imagined.<br />
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I was at a meeting this evening and a woman was mentioning that she had no time to herself as having a baby is just so constant. My automatic response was 'well so's grief' with a shot of venom and jealousy for good measure. I didn't say it but it was definitely loud in my head. I don't like these responses in myself. I had only just met her and she didn't know about Griffin. Even if she did, it <b>is</b> constant having a baby and in that instance worth a mention. I'm feeling much more sensitive about it all at the moment. Hardly surprising I guess.<br />
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In a week, as well as mourning the loss of my son I'll be mourning the loss of his firsts. <br />
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By now we would have had a first word, first wave, first smile, first solid foods, first step, so many firsts I can't even imagine.<br />
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But now we have our final first, a birthday, anniversary, angel day. I hardly know what to call it.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-73216915013662963932011-06-13T10:28:00.000+01:002011-06-14T00:15:01.421+01:00Not a Rare ConditionI had a comment on a previous post about my obstetric cholestasis(OC), about how rare it is.<br />
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This is a very popular misconception. OC is not a rare condition, it affects 1 in 200 pregnancies. This may sound like quite a small proportion but when you consider that roughly 1900 babies are born in the UK every day, it turns into quite a lot of people. When you consider that it is routine to inject babies with vitamin K at birth which can prevent a brain bleed in 1 in 10,000 babies, we are prescribed antenatal vitamins with folic acid to prevent spina bifida which can occur in 1 in 1000 pregnancies, it seems unforgivable that OC, a relatively easy condition to control and manage, has such a low profile.<br />
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Having OC does not automatically lead on to a stillbirth, in a properly managed pregnancy the risks of stillbirth are the same as in a non OC pregnancy. The important bit of that sentence is 'properly managed'. If you do not know there is a problem you cannot take it to your healthcare professional and you cannot be 'properly managed'. If your medical team ignore your concerns or are unaware of up to date research in the area, it cannot be 'properly' managed. <br />
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All the baby books and sites say that itching in pregnancy is normal. It's the skin stretching. It could be a symptom of a very rare condition that causes itching but will subside after birth. (Lets play down the risks!!!)<br />
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The problem with OC is the lack of knowledge about it. I have heard stories of women who have scratched the skin raw because of this itch and doctors have point blank refused to do the simple blood test that is required to diagnose it. <br />
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They don't know why it causes stillbirth. The stillborn babies have no detectable problems. They just stopped living. In a post mortem it comes up as 'unexplained death'. As they cannot as yet determine why OC causes stillbirth there are some people still (I'm talking consultant obstetricians here) who do not believe it does. <br />
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<a href="http://www.ocsupport.org.uk/">http://www.ocsupport.org.uk/</a> For further information.<br />
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Remember scratching can be more than just an itch.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-20501731956899253422011-06-08T18:20:00.000+01:002011-06-08T18:20:20.553+01:00Why do they ignore Unsubscribe?How on earth am I STILL getting baby related emails?<br />
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I unsubscribe to every single one I get and have done for almost a year now. Do they just ignore you? There have been some that I emailed and explained the situation and yet I am still receiving them. It was really upsetting for the first while but now I just get angry with them. <br />
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Bah!!!!Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-456329330743828752011-05-30T01:51:00.000+01:002011-05-30T01:51:15.079+01:00Right Where I Am - 11 Months 1 WeekPart of the Right Where I am Project on <a href="http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com/2011/05/right-where-i-am-project-two-years-five.html">Still Life With Circles</a>. <br />
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11 months 1 week<br />
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I've been better. With Griffin's birthday coming up soon, comparisons to this time last year are unavoidable. There doesn't seem to be a day goes by that I amn't hit by sadness. Normally out of the blue, just for a moment. Sometimes my eyes just leak. I don't feel especially sad but the tears won't stop. <br />
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I try to not control it too much. Let it run it's course and I'll be fine again in a bit. It's like I'm sailing on a calm sea and every so often it gets a bit choppy and I have to bail out water, it doesn't mean I'm sinking. The giant waves that completely engulf me are much fewer than they used to be. I still feel that I'll never be the same. I guess I never will be really. I'm on a much choppier ocean than I was before.<br />
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I can't stop thinking about him, what we went through together, what he would be doing now, how to commemorate his birthday. The world is full of reminders. I see him everywhere I go. More than I used to, I used to block out the memories as best I could before but I welcome them now. Even if they upset me. It's normally not for long and I like to think about him. The actual, physical, heart-wrenching pain of grief hardly visits any more. Again I don't imagine I'll ever be truly free from it but I know I can cope with it.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I can't believe it's been a year, yet it also feels like it was something that happened to a different person a very long time ago. I feel much more than a year older. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">My husband and I talk about him alot. We take joy in the memories that we have of him and, in a bittersweet way, imagine what he would be like now and in the future. We talk of future children, but in a very abstract way. We're 'not avoiding' future pregnancies at this point but not actively trying. I don't think I'll be able to comprehend actually having a child until it's looking at me. It's a very abstract concept to me at the moment. It's almost like we have an imaginary child. In a way we do. All we have is projections of his personality from how he behaved in the womb combined with our hopes and dreams for him. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">If someone asks if I have children I say no and it feels wrong to deny him but saying yes and explaining hurts more. I find it really difficult to be myself among people who don't know about him but difficult to tell people.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I do feel truly happy at times. Only today, I took real joy in spending time with my friends. Taking a walk to the garden centre and choosing some new plants for my herb garden. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">It's been tough but I know who I can trust and rely on and I'm a stronger person now. I'm more philosophical about emotions in general, trying to realise and accept them and move on. </div>Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-64241587182965759152011-05-25T01:02:00.001+01:002011-05-25T01:04:06.643+01:00Story of a tearOne of the things I have come to know quite well over the last almost year is what it feels like when I'm about to cry or about to almost cry. I noticed earlier when I was reading a a miscarriage story on someone's blog. It sort of starts like a tickle in my nose, then moves to my throat, then it gets quite sore and my eyes get a bit blurry. Often that's as far as it goes. If I stop myself from crying it can get really painful, in my throat, nose and eyes. I wish I hadn't cried so much to have noticed that.<br />
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I have decided to start a memorial page. I don't want to add any babies without asking so let me know if there's anyone you'd like to add.<br />
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I've been back at work so far this week and still feeling like a different person to last week. It's a bit of a roller coaster this path of mine to say the least.<br />
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PS. I've reached 500 views, that's quite a mile stone, never expected to get that many.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-9583156568935183012011-05-21T22:54:00.000+01:002011-05-21T22:54:29.472+01:00Birthdays<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Thank you everyone for all your good wishes and kind words. I have had a much better day today and am hopeful again. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
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All the first milestones have been difficult but I have found birthdays most galling of all. Not just the big ones, close family and friends, but more distant too. My own birthday, I pretty much allowed to go by unrecognised. Hubby working away by this point meant he wasn't around. My mum and sister, who I was staying with, I know they did something but I don't remember what. <br />
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But Griffin's birthday, it's coming up so soon and I don't know what to do for it.<br />
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Part of me wants to strike the date from the calendar and pretend it doesn't exist, stay in bed all day, potentially take something so I just sleep through it. I know that's not a good idea though, it's going to happen whether I acknowledge it or not. <br />
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I want to do something beautiful. I want to do something worthy of my son but I can't think what. <br />
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Does any one have any suggestions? What have you done for the first birthday/anniversary?Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-4026062914060378162011-05-20T12:55:00.001+01:002011-05-20T12:57:34.972+01:00No BetterI was hoping that I was going through a bit of a blip the last few days and it'd clear up soon but it's really not. If anything it's got worse.<br />
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I've been off work sick since Wednesday, all week really cos I do flexi-time and felt bad Monday/Tuesday but thought I'd just squeeze all my hours in the end of the week. Getting to Wednesday and running out of days of the week, I either had to get to work or acknowledge that I couldn't. <br />
I tried. <br />
I had my shower, got dressed, even had breakfast! I'd given myself enough time to not be rushed but not too much time to get distracted. Got to the front door and just couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to walk out the door. I burst into tears. <br />
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I managed to get myself together enough to phone work and went back to bed fully clothed and slept for 4 hours, then woke up, hubby cooked me lunch and I cried, for ages. I haven't cried like that in a while. I went to bed early and despite sleeping pills and cups of sleepy-time tea, I didn't get to sleep till gone 3. <br />
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Yesterday I felt a bit better, not up to work, but I did some house work and finished my knitting project. At random points through the day I'd feel myself caught off guard and I'd be crying or my heart pounding or just stricken with memories. <br />
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Today, I thought I'd be fine. I normally do a half day on Friday so, I thought I could manage that. Again I tried, so hard. At the front door, my heart was starting to speed up so I did some deep breathing and that helped me for about 30 seconds. Still doing the deep breathing and concentrating merely on putting one foot in front of the other, the tears started about 50m down the road, 100m I had to stop to get a tissue out my bag. That was as far as I got. <br />
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I feel a bit pathetic about not going to work because I'm sad but I know I'd be less that useless in this state so it's for the best.<br />
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After lunch I'm going to try and have a walk down the canal, see if it's being out of the house in general that's difficult or if it's specifically going to work that's the issue.<br />
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I just can't see a viable way forward at the moment. I don't know what to do.Sarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40783741117120143.post-31189785822185657552011-05-17T12:07:00.001+01:002011-05-17T12:08:54.085+01:00Call to action<a href="http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/stop-the-stillbirth-scandal-join-grazia-and-sands-cam.html">http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/stop-the-stillbirth-scandal-join-grazia-and-sands-cam.html</a><br />
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I just found this. It's a petition from Sands-UK (the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society) and Grazia magazine with the aim of raising awareness of stillbirth and also to campaign for more research into how otherwise healthy babies can be saved.<br />
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Please sign if you can.<br />
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ThanksSarahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444681195224056noreply@blogger.com0