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Tuesday, 14 June 2011

No More Firsts

Coming up to Griffin's birthday, the thing that gets me is that there are no more firsts.  Just seconds, thirds, fourths and so on for forever.  I feel like this is my last real chance to be allowed to mourn him.  After this there's nothing new.  Having dealt with it all once I should be able to manage it again.

It's been such a long long year, I can't believe it's only been a year but it's hard to comprehend that it's been a whole year without my baby.

I have the 21st (the day he died) and the 22nd (his birthday) off work, as does hubby.  We had real trouble deciding what to do for his birthday but have decided to fly kites with some friends in the park, have a picnic dinner.  On the 21st we are going to the local Sands group.  We haven't been yet, always putting it off or been working or busy in some other way but with this timing I think we have to.

We live too far from his grave to make a trip there.  To be honest I'm not sure if I'd want to.  I haven't been there since the day after the funeral.  I know he's safe and the grave is tended but I don't need to go there to know he's not here any more.  His constant absence is stronger that anything I could have imagined.

I was at a meeting this evening and a woman was mentioning that she had no time to herself as having a baby is just so constant.  My automatic response was 'well so's grief' with a shot of venom and jealousy for good measure.  I didn't say it but it was definitely loud in my head.  I don't like these responses in myself.  I had only just met her and she didn't know about Griffin.  Even if she did, it is constant having a baby and in that instance worth a mention.  I'm feeling much more sensitive about it all at the moment.  Hardly surprising I guess.

In a week, as well as mourning the loss of my son I'll be mourning the loss of his firsts.

By now we would have had a first word, first wave, first smile, first solid foods, first step, so many firsts I can't even imagine.

But now we have our final first, a birthday, anniversary, angel day.  I hardly know what to call it.


  1. I know exactly what you are talking about. Especially with the part of we've done this all before, why should it still hurt? Why should we still be grieving? I still get that even 19 months out. I hate it. It's not fair. I'm sorry that your little boy isn't experiencing his firsts... I'm so sorry for your loss.

  2. I know I will be feeling this abscense forever and and I'm thinking about the first B day already. I am sorry for you, I am sorry for all of us.

  3. Huge hugs to you. I just passed my son's one year just a little over a week ago. I made sure that others remembered him by bringing in treats to work. Someone once told me, why is it that people can grieve Elvis for almost 30 years but we are not allowed more than a week to grieve? Grieve away, and know that my heart grieves with you.

  4. I'll be thinking about you as time draws closer to his first birthday.