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Monday, 30 May 2011

Right Where I Am - 11 Months 1 Week

Part of the Right Where I am Project on Still Life With Circles.

11 months 1 week

I've been better.  With Griffin's birthday coming up soon, comparisons to this time last year are unavoidable.  There doesn't seem to be a day goes by that I amn't hit by sadness.  Normally out of the blue, just for a moment.  Sometimes my eyes just leak.  I don't feel especially sad but the tears won't stop.

I try to not control it too much.  Let it run it's course and I'll be fine again in a bit.  It's like I'm sailing on a calm sea and every so often it gets a bit choppy and I have to bail out water, it doesn't mean I'm sinking.  The giant waves that completely engulf me are much fewer than they used to be.  I still feel that I'll never be the same.  I guess I never will be really.  I'm on a much choppier ocean than I was before.

I can't stop thinking about him, what we went through together, what he would be doing now, how to commemorate his birthday.  The world is full of reminders.  I see him everywhere I go.  More than I used to, I used to block out the memories as best I could before but I welcome them now.  Even if they upset me.  It's normally not for long and I like to think about him.  The actual, physical, heart-wrenching pain of grief hardly visits any more.  Again I don't imagine I'll ever be truly free from it but I know I can cope with it.

I can't believe it's been a year, yet it also feels like it was something that happened to a different person a very long time ago.  I feel much more than a year older.  

My husband and I talk about him alot.  We take joy in the memories that we have of him and, in a bittersweet way, imagine what he would be like now and in the future.  We talk of future children, but in a very abstract way.  We're 'not avoiding' future pregnancies at this point but not actively trying.  I don't think I'll be able to comprehend actually having a child until it's looking at me.  It's a very abstract concept to me at the moment.  It's almost like we have an imaginary child.  In a way we do.  All we have is projections of his personality from how he behaved in the womb combined with our hopes and dreams for him.  

If someone asks if I have children I say no and it feels wrong to deny him but saying yes and explaining hurts more.  I find it really difficult to be myself among people who don't know about him but difficult to tell people.

I do feel truly happy at times.  Only today, I took real joy in spending time with my friends.  Taking a walk to the garden centre and choosing some new plants for my herb garden.  

It's been tough but I know who I can trust and rely on and I'm a stronger person now.  I'm more philosophical about emotions in general, trying to realise and accept them and move on.  


  1. Thank you for sharing right where you are. I think that place of not trying to control the emotion was a huge change for me. Just be present with it. Cry and move on. I nodded along. Thank you. xo

  2. Just before one year..... such an incredibly tough time. I remember it well and just thinking about it sends shivers down my spine. Like you say, those comparisons are impossible to avoid.
    Thank you so much for sharing where you are in your grief journey right now. Missing Griffin with you.

  3. Thinking of you as time draws closer to one year without your little man:(

  4. Feeling it too. I can't believe it's been almost a year for us and Anabelle too. I know exactly what you mean about the "imaginary child" - I've never thought about it quite like that before but I guess that's sort of what it is to other people looking in on our lives. At the moment I feel like I have 2. A daughter I desperately want to be here, and a growing baby I cannot believe for a minute will ever get here. and about the feeling more than a year older - in just 12 months it feels like I've aged at least 10 years. 26, I feel more like I could be nearly 40... I understand. Sending love xxx

  5. I haven't been able to take that walk during this time last year. It's been too painful for me to wrap my head around. I'm floating through the days surrounded by fog. I too find myself answering no when asked about children. I wish it weren't so. Thinking of you and Griffin~

  6. Thinking of you as Griffin's birthday approaches. I will light a candle in his memory this evening x

  7. Almost one year - I remember the flashbacks and the out-of-the-blue sadness hitting me especially hard then, too. Thank you for sharing this. I'm thinking of you and Griffin, and hoping you find as much peace in these hard days as you can.

  8. "If someone asks if I have children I say no and it feels wrong to deny him but saying yes and explaining hurts more. I find it really difficult to be myself among people who don't know about him but difficult to tell people."

    I struggle with this all the time. Finding the way that feels right is just part of the whole process, I think. It hurts and is uncomfortable. Wishing Griffin was with you.

  9. Continue being kind to yourself. Wishing you some peaceful moments as Griffin's birthday approaches.

  10. Oh I know that abstract feeling you describe so well, both for the children we miss and the ones of the future - thank you for sharing on Angie's project, I'm only just dipping into the pool again.

    Thinking of your Griffin as his first birthday approaches,
    Much love

  11. Following from BMB. I'm so sorry for your loss! There is nothing really that I can say, it's just not fair. My sister had a still birth last week and it has just been devastating.

    Happy Birthday Griffin!

  12. I'm on a much choppier ocean than I was before. A perfect description.

    I am glad that you and your husband can find joy in your memories of your son. All to often it is easy to forget those happier times, they tend to get swept away in grief.

    And the concept of parenting an imaginary child really struck me. Although I now have two children here with me, my other daughter is still very much in my mind, she's still here even though its only in my imagination.

    Thinking of you, your husband and your dear son, Griffin. You gave me a beautiful name, that isn't one I have heard before. I hope his birthday passes peacefully for you.

  13. I'm very late, working my way through Angie's links. I'm aware that you are now very close to Griffin's first birthday. I hope that his day passes gently and peacefully for you. I remember the tremendous hurt and sadness in the approach.

    I understand completely what you say about an "imaginary" child - I wrote a blog post once describing my daughter as I believed she would be, based on how she was in my womb since I never got as chance to know her out of it.

    It's heart-rending.