I was hoping that I was going through a bit of a blip the last few days and it'd clear up soon but it's really not. If anything it's got worse.
I've been off work sick since Wednesday, all week really cos I do flexi-time and felt bad Monday/Tuesday but thought I'd just squeeze all my hours in the end of the week. Getting to Wednesday and running out of days of the week, I either had to get to work or acknowledge that I couldn't.
I had my shower, got dressed, even had breakfast! I'd given myself enough time to not be rushed but not too much time to get distracted. Got to the front door and just couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to walk out the door. I burst into tears.
I managed to get myself together enough to phone work and went back to bed fully clothed and slept for 4 hours, then woke up, hubby cooked me lunch and I cried, for ages. I haven't cried like that in a while. I went to bed early and despite sleeping pills and cups of sleepy-time tea, I didn't get to sleep till gone 3.
Yesterday I felt a bit better, not up to work, but I did some house work and finished my knitting project. At random points through the day I'd feel myself caught off guard and I'd be crying or my heart pounding or just stricken with memories.
Today, I thought I'd be fine. I normally do a half day on Friday so, I thought I could manage that. Again I tried, so hard. At the front door, my heart was starting to speed up so I did some deep breathing and that helped me for about 30 seconds. Still doing the deep breathing and concentrating merely on putting one foot in front of the other, the tears started about 50m down the road, 100m I had to stop to get a tissue out my bag. That was as far as I got.
I feel a bit pathetic about not going to work because I'm sad but I know I'd be less that useless in this state so it's for the best.
After lunch I'm going to try and have a walk down the canal, see if it's being out of the house in general that's difficult or if it's specifically going to work that's the issue.
I just can't see a viable way forward at the moment. I don't know what to do.