Constant Struggle

I've started to write this a few times over the last week but the words just don't work.

I've had a really bad few days.  Being on the brink of tears at least half the time.

It's exhausting.

I broke down on the phone to my mum the other day.  I'd kept it in all day at work and that evening because I knew that if I started crying when I'm on my own I might just not stop.

It's hard to think when I'm like that.  Added in, the busiest and most stressful week of the year at work.  Luckily that was last week and now it's plain sailing till summer.

I was at a friend's gig last night, one of my best friends, and was surrounded by some more of my closest friends and I was so sad, all night.

With there being just over a month till Griffin's first birthday I figure I'll probably get worse but it's already impinging on my ability to do things.  Also my cycle is completely messed up, I haven't had a period in over two months.  I feel like I've had PMS for a month and it's getting worse.  So I don't know what's messed up hormones, what's grief and what's just normal stress and exhaustion.

I do know that I'm finding everything more difficult to deal with.  I'm tired but can't sleep, feel like I'm about to cry but tears won't come when I have the chance to.

I'm scared that I actually have fertility issues, that Griffin was a miracle baby and I've gone and messed it up.