Happy New Year!!!

Being Scottish, the new year never starts on the 1st.  One really can't start anew after a night of no sleep.  So today is it.

I got a bike for Christmas which ties in nicely with my resolution to do more exercise and to try and give TfL less of my money.  The cost of a round trip to work on the tube has gone up by 60p!!!!  Grrrrr...  It's too far for me to start off cycling to work (16 miles and unavoidable main roads) so I have something to aim for.  I'm thinking by the end of summer term would be realistic.

Christmas was alright really.  I had a couple of sad moments but mostly had a good time.  It was a much smaller scale event than normal as my brother couldn't make it and the extended family was scattered across the globe.  Mum was insistent on the whole Christmas dinner thing so there were masses of leftovers.  It was her birthday a few days later so we managed to get through most of it before coming home.

A good friend of mine has a 2 year old and I was never upset by him before but after seeing him this time I was devastated.  Before he was always quite a bit bigger than Griffin would have been but this time they'd both have been toddling about getting under the feet and being fed cake by the bigger kids (at Mum's birthday party).  I guess as he gets older the age gap will mean less.

Other new year resolutions are to cultivate my spiritual side (Starting with meditation, being able to turn my mind off from time to time would be good.)  and to see ideas through more.  I have so many unfinished projects.

Happy New Year and may 2012 be all you hope it can be.

xx

The Return

I hope.

I got so out of the habit of writing that it's tough to know what to write so I'll just go for it.

Today I am grateful for hope.

We had a discussion on hope today in a spiritual discussion group that I'm part of and it was really difficult to pin down what exactly hope is.  The difficulty was in separating it from faith.  We came to the consensus that hope is almost pre-faith. The thing that gets you through the dark when you have can't actually believe that all will be well, but really want it to.

By faith I don't mean in a specific deity or external being but more in yourself and the goodness of mankind.


        Dreams

Hold fast to dreams For if dreams die Life is a broken-winged bird That cannot fly. Hold fast to dreams For when dreams go Life is a barren field Frozen with snow.  Langston Hughes

I feel like dancing

It's been a good day.  I feel I have to write about it as all my days recently have been not so good and I feel like all I've written here has been a stream of misery.

Yesterday I had pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix and it's been a long road these last six weeks or so since I got the original abnormal smear test.  Waiting for the colposcopy appointment (which did only take 10 days but they were a LONG 10 days) waiting for the biopsy results and then finally the big day where it all gets removed.  It's really quite gruesome but I won't give details.

We are on a month long sex embargo but I'm still on a slight high from the not having potentially fatal stuff growing inside me any more so I'm not worried about it for now ;)

I wasn't at work today as I had a friend visiting so we went to one of my favourite museums, (http://www.geffrye-museum.org.uk) then for lunch and some tea and had a good old wander round and a chat.  Then I met some work folks for dinner and a West End show (39 Steps which is hysterical and extremely well done).

So yeah, things are on the up.  For today at least.

Moving on??

Hey folks,

I've not been around for a while.  I've had a really hard time these last few months, various shit going on that I've just not been able to write.

I'm currently lying on the floor in the room where Griffin died.  On the floor because the bed is in pieces ready to be moved out.  Probably the very last time I'll be in the house.  It's strange.  This is the longest place I've ever called home.  My mum lived here for 4 years and I did on and off too due to ill health on both my and my mum's side.  Then she moved out and couldn't sell cos of the property crash so was renting it out.  When Griffin came along we moved in, for the grand total time of 5 weeks before I ran, grieving to Scotland and back to my family.  This was just over a year ago and I've been back several times in a handy-girl role for the tenants.

The first time going back was tough but as with most of the steps on this road post Griffin it was the anticipation that was worse than the reality.

I wasn't sad about the house sale, until today.  I've moved so many times in my life what's once more?  But this one is different.  I just spent half an hour crying.  I am sad about the flat but mostly because it's the last tangible thing I have from my pre-Griffin life.

I don't like leaving him behind.

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

On My First Son

On My First Sonby Ben Jonson


Farewell, thou child of my right hand, and joy ;
    My sin was too much hope of thee, lov'd boy.
Seven years thou wert lent to me, and I thee pay,
    Exacted by thy fate, on the just day.
Oh, could I lose all father now! For why
    Will man lament the state he should envy?
To have so soon 'scaped world's and flesh's rage,
    And if no other misery, yet age!
Rest in soft peace, and, asked, say, Here doth lie
    Ben Jonson his best piece of poetry.
For whose sake henceforth all his vows be such
    As what he loves may never like too much.

Please Vote

OC Support is up for charity of the month this month and it could mean a £200 cash injection.  To put this in perspective, it's enough money to run the help line for 18months.

If you could spare the two minutes it takes to register and vote it'd be much appreciated.

http://www.easyfundraising.org.uk/blog/cause-of-the-month-shortlist-2011/

Thank you

http://lifepoststillbirth.blogspot.com/2011/06/not-rare-condition.html

Also if you would like a mention on my memorial page please let me know.  It's looking a bit sparse at the moment.