Thank you for visiting my blog. Please leave a message to say hello. If you are here because you or someone close to you has lost a child, you have my sympathy.

Sunday 17 June 2012

Father's Day

My husband has been quiet about father's day.  It's difficult that it's so close to Griffin's birthday and he isn't in touch with his own father.  It feels like he's missing out on both sides.  We were at church today and the sermon was on the theme of Fathers day, like we didn't get enough of it in all the shops, but this was on the difficulties of dealing with Father's day.  So many people have issue with the day, those who have lost their fathers or have difficult relationships with them.  I do think it's good to have a day to honour Fathers but it's tough on alot of people for alot of different reasons.

We are still trying to figure out what to do on Friday, we have both taken the day off.  Last year we went to Hampstead Heath with some friends and flew kites but I don't feel that it's right this year.  We might go to the beach for the day or go for a picnic in the park.  If the weather is miserable we might just stay in bed and get pizza delivered. whatever we do we will be honouringou r son by being together and thinking abouthim.

Sunday 20 May 2012


I suffer from ulcerative colitis.  I've hardly been in remission since I was diagnosed 15 years ago but I thought I was doing really well until they decided that my medication was at a high risk of causing liver damage because of the silly way my body metabolises it.  So it got changed and I got a really bad flare up and was in hospital for over a week.
I have to say that out of all my hospital visits it was the most pleasant.  There was NO queue at a&e (that was quite shocking with it being a bank holiday weekend but I guess the DIY accident prone crowd aren't as active in central London) and I was in a ward within 2 hours of walking in the door.
I did feel a bit like I was in an episode of House, as the attack came on so quickly they decided that I must have had an infection, then as my blood work was coming back still squiffy it must be some sort of virus.  So 2 days of IV antibiotics followed by 6 of IV steroids and the start of a course of anti-virals before they decided that the underlying cause probably didn't matter afterall so just to stick with the tried and tested steroids until my flare was under control and I could go home.
They put me in isolation for the first few days, which was quite nice but I was glad to be in a ward with people to talk to.  Unfortunately the old lady in the bed opposite me died in her sleep that first night.  She was meant to have gone home that day.
I'm feeling that this is not sounding as pleasant a stay as I innitially intended it to but I really needed the break.  In hindsight, I probably hadn't recovered from being ill over Easter.  The year 13s were coming up to their exam so I really pushed myself to be at work before I should have and kept going through the side effects of my new meds.  Being actually stuck in the hospital meant I couldn't feel bad about doing nothing.  I missed the exam in the end but as I had done all the prep the week before a teacher managed to cover me and it went well.
Still off work, my head is like cotton wool, feeling light headed verging on dizzy half of the time, hoping it's a side effect that will wear off soon.
Emotionally I've been a bit all over the place.  It just seems a never ending stream of drama at the moment.

To top it all off my gran is starting chemotherapy tomorrow.

Here's to a peaceful patch!

Sunday 22 April 2012


I have just started on my first IComLeavWe (short for International Comment Leaving Week), a monthly extravaganza of blog reading and commenting and connecting with people across the world.  Very exciting.  

Visit if you are interested in finding out more or joining in next month.

Seeing off the dregs of a horrid illness.  Was in bed for half my Easter holiday before discovering I had a strep throat infection, a lovely course of antibiotics and another week off work later and feeling much better but still REALLY tired all the time.

In the UK recently, there has been alot of research into vitamin D and it's suspected that the majority of Scottish people are deficient, turns out I'm one of them.  Just got the blood test results through and my levels are half what they should be!  This is with taking a multi vitamin daily and being a fan of dairy.  Reading up on it, it seems that vitamin D deficiency can cause all sort of bad things (several that I suffer from) including depression and liver problems.  With OC being a liver condition, I'm hopeful that fixing my vitamin D levels and tweaking my other medication (long story I haven't gotten into yet) could bring down my chances of getting OC again.  

Probably not, but the wonder of positive thinking will make me feel better about even trying again and it's something I can actually do something about now rather than just waiting and hoping.

I think it's my best ever reaction to a bad blood test result lol.

Saturday 7 April 2012


We have come in to a small amount of money which means we can afford to get Griffin a head stone.  I thought it would cost a whole lot more than it does so we should get a short break away as well. :)

We've pretty much decided on a plain, black polished granite with gold lettering but are stuck on what the lettering should be.  It's for my Grandparents as well so I don't want to have anything too kiddie orientated.  We are not particularly religious but my Grandparents were devout Catholics so nothing too secular either.

I hate the phrase 'born sleeping' as I don't like to think of dead people as asleep, sleeping is not dead!

I'm figuring something like...
Here Lies
..... (dates)
.... (dates) 
Beloved Parents of
Great Grandparents of
Born an Angel 22nd June 2010
Much Loved Son of 

What do you think?  All ideas are welcome.
Wasn't so hard when I decided to actually write something but feel I should round it up in some way.  It's missing something.

If you buried your child, what does it say on their gravestone?  

Monday 2 April 2012


My chances of getting Obstetric Cholestasis in a future pregnancy.  I'd conned myself into believing it wouldn't happen again.  Dwelling on the 60 part of the 60-90% chance of recurrence but last week we saw the specialist who told me in no uncertain terms that I should expect to have it again.

I was doing alright, we have been trying for another baby since the start of the year and we had a plan.  A loose trying not to put pressure on ourselves plan, but enough to feel that I was eventually moving forward.  Now I'm not sure where I am.

Can I really put myself through all this again?  I know they will be looking out for me, early screening, the specialist said.  Medication and early induction if it does reoccur.  I'm fortunate to be on the radar of the leading OC specialist in the country, not directly under her care but she will be there to do blood tests etc if my own consultant doesn't take it seriously.  Is it enough?

Can I live with myself if I don't give it another try?

Monday 2 January 2012

Happy New Year!!!

Being Scottish, the new year never starts on the 1st.  One really can't start anew after a night of no sleep.  So today is it.

I got a bike for Christmas which ties in nicely with my resolution to do more exercise and to try and give TfL less of my money.  The cost of a round trip to work on the tube has gone up by 60p!!!!  Grrrrr...  It's too far for me to start off cycling to work (16 miles and unavoidable main roads) so I have something to aim for.  I'm thinking by the end of summer term would be realistic.

Christmas was alright really.  I had a couple of sad moments but mostly had a good time.  It was a much smaller scale event than normal as my brother couldn't make it and the extended family was scattered across the globe.  Mum was insistent on the whole Christmas dinner thing so there were masses of leftovers.  It was her birthday a few days later so we managed to get through most of it before coming home.

A good friend of mine has a 2 year old and I was never upset by him before but after seeing him this time I was devastated.  Before he was always quite a bit bigger than Griffin would have been but this time they'd both have been toddling about getting under the feet and being fed cake by the bigger kids (at Mum's birthday party).  I guess as he gets older the age gap will mean less.

Other new year resolutions are to cultivate my spiritual side (Starting with meditation, being able to turn my mind off from time to time would be good.)  and to see ideas through more.  I have so many unfinished projects.

Happy New Year and may 2012 be all you hope it can be.


Thursday 15 December 2011

The Return

I hope.

I got so out of the habit of writing that it's tough to know what to write so I'll just go for it.

Today I am grateful for hope.

We had a discussion on hope today in a spiritual discussion group that I'm part of and it was really difficult to pin down what exactly hope is.  The difficulty was in separating it from faith.  We came to the consensus that hope is almost pre-faith. The thing that gets you through the dark when you have can't actually believe that all will be well, but really want it to.

By faith I don't mean in a specific deity or external being but more in yourself and the goodness of mankind.


Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow. 

Langston Hughes