Hospital

I suffer from ulcerative colitis.  I've hardly been in remission since I was diagnosed 15 years ago but I thought I was doing really well until they decided that my medication was at a high risk of causing liver damage because of the silly way my body metabolises it.  So it got changed and I got a really bad flare up and was in hospital for over a week.

I have to say that out of all my hospital visits it was the most pleasant.  There was NO queue at a&e (that was quite shocking with it being a bank holiday weekend but I guess the DIY accident prone crowd aren't as active in central London) and I was in a ward within 2 hours of walking in the door.
I did feel a bit like I was in an episode of House, as the attack came on so quickly they decided that I must have had an infection, then as my blood work was coming back still squiffy it must be some sort of virus.  So 2 days of IV antibiotics followed by 6 of IV steroids and the start of a course of anti-virals before they decided that the underlying cause probably didn't matter afterall so just to stick with the tried and tested steroids until my flare was under control and I could go home.
They put me in isolation for the first few days, which was quite nice but I was glad to be in a ward with people to talk to.  Unfortunately the old lady in the bed opposite me died in her sleep that first night.  She was meant to have gone home that day.
I'm feeling that this is not sounding as pleasant a stay as I innitially intended it to but I really needed the break.  In hindsight, I probably hadn't recovered from being ill over Easter.  The year 13s were coming up to their exam so I really pushed myself to be at work before I should have and kept going through the side effects of my new meds.  Being actually stuck in the hospital meant I couldn't feel bad about doing nothing.  I missed the exam in the end but as I had done all the prep the week before a teacher managed to cover me and it went well.
Still off work, my head is like cotton wool, feeling light headed verging on dizzy half of the time, hoping it's a side effect that will wear off soon.
Emotionally I've been a bit all over the place.  It just seems a never ending stream of drama at the moment.

To top it all off my gran is starting chemotherapy tomorrow.

Here's to a peaceful patch!

IComLeavWe

I have just started on my first IComLeavWe (short for International Comment Leaving Week), a monthly extravaganza of blog reading and commenting and connecting with people across the world.  Very exciting.  

Visit http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2012/03/icomleavwe-april-2012/ if you are interested in finding out more or joining in next month.

Seeing off the dregs of a horrid illness.  Was in bed for half my Easter holiday before discovering I had a strep throat infection, a lovely course of antibiotics and another week off work later and feeling much better but still REALLY tired all the time.

In the UK recently, there has been alot of research into vitamin D and it's suspected that the majority of Scottish people are deficient, turns out I'm one of them.  Just got the blood test results through and my levels are half what they should be!  This is with taking a multi vitamin daily and being a fan of dairy.  Reading up on it, it seems that vitamin D deficiency can cause all sort of bad things (several that I suffer from) including depression and liver problems.  With OC being a liver condition, I'm hopeful that fixing my vitamin D levels and tweaking my other medication (long story I haven't gotten into yet) could bring down my chances of getting OC again.  

Probably not, but the wonder of positive thinking will make me feel better about even trying again and it's something I can actually do something about now rather than just waiting and hoping.

I think it's my best ever reaction to a bad blood test result lol.

Happy New Year!!!

Being Scottish, the new year never starts on the 1st.  One really can't start anew after a night of no sleep.  So today is it.

I got a bike for Christmas which ties in nicely with my resolution to do more exercise and to try and give TfL less of my money.  The cost of a round trip to work on the tube has gone up by 60p!!!!  Grrrrr...  It's too far for me to start off cycling to work (16 miles and unavoidable main roads) so I have something to aim for.  I'm thinking by the end of summer term would be realistic.

Christmas was alright really.  I had a couple of sad moments but mostly had a good time.  It was a much smaller scale event than normal as my brother couldn't make it and the extended family was scattered across the globe.  Mum was insistent on the whole Christmas dinner thing so there were masses of leftovers.  It was her birthday a few days later so we managed to get through most of it before coming home.

A good friend of mine has a 2 year old and I was never upset by him before but after seeing him this time I was devastated.  Before he was always quite a bit bigger than Griffin would have been but this time they'd both have been toddling about getting under the feet and being fed cake by the bigger kids (at Mum's birthday party).  I guess as he gets older the age gap will mean less.

Other new year resolutions are to cultivate my spiritual side (Starting with meditation, being able to turn my mind off from time to time would be good.)  and to see ideas through more.  I have so many unfinished projects.

Happy New Year and may 2012 be all you hope it can be.

xx

The Return

I hope.

I got so out of the habit of writing that it's tough to know what to write so I'll just go for it.

Today I am grateful for hope.

We had a discussion on hope today in a spiritual discussion group that I'm part of and it was really difficult to pin down what exactly hope is.  The difficulty was in separating it from faith.  We came to the consensus that hope is almost pre-faith. The thing that gets you through the dark when you have can't actually believe that all will be well, but really want it to.

By faith I don't mean in a specific deity or external being but more in yourself and the goodness of mankind.


        Dreams

Hold fast to dreams For if dreams die Life is a broken-winged bird That cannot fly. Hold fast to dreams For when dreams go Life is a barren field Frozen with snow.  Langston Hughes

I feel like dancing

It's been a good day.  I feel I have to write about it as all my days recently have been not so good and I feel like all I've written here has been a stream of misery.

Yesterday I had pre-cancerous cells removed from my cervix and it's been a long road these last six weeks or so since I got the original abnormal smear test.  Waiting for the colposcopy appointment (which did only take 10 days but they were a LONG 10 days) waiting for the biopsy results and then finally the big day where it all gets removed.  It's really quite gruesome but I won't give details.

We are on a month long sex embargo but I'm still on a slight high from the not having potentially fatal stuff growing inside me any more so I'm not worried about it for now ;)

I wasn't at work today as I had a friend visiting so we went to one of my favourite museums, (http://www.geffrye-museum.org.uk) then for lunch and some tea and had a good old wander round and a chat.  Then I met some work folks for dinner and a West End show (39 Steps which is hysterical and extremely well done).

So yeah, things are on the up.  For today at least.

Please Vote

OC Support is up for charity of the month this month and it could mean a £200 cash injection.  To put this in perspective, it's enough money to run the help line for 18months.

If you could spare the two minutes it takes to register and vote it'd be much appreciated.

http://www.easyfundraising.org.uk/blog/cause-of-the-month-shortlist-2011/

Thank you

http://lifepoststillbirth.blogspot.com/2011/06/not-rare-condition.html

Also if you would like a mention on my memorial page please let me know.  It's looking a bit sparse at the moment.

Hormonally Sound

It's official.  My hormones are in lovely balance.  I'm not early menopausal, don't have PCOS, am ovulating alright and don't have high testosterone or low estrogen levels.

So why am I having such irregular (and stupidly long) cycles?  It's a mystery.  I'll be getting a scan at some point in the next few months but my GP doesn't expect it to reveal anything.  To be honest, I don't think she'd have sent me for a scan if I hadn't had a loss.  Not this early in investigations anyway.  She seemed rather unconcerned but I guess that's how they stop patients from getting stressed unnecessarily.

I'm concerned.  Maybe that's part of the problem.  Living under constant stress can put one's cycle off and living without one's child is pretty damn stressful so maybe it is just stress.  I am happy that there is no problem there but it's frustrating that my body isn't behaving itself for no apparent reason.

These last three weeks have been so long.  Since Griffin's birthday, it feels like the days have dragged, but I don't know where they have gone.  It feels like forever and no time at all.  In fact it all feels like forever and no time at all.  I guess that's normal because I've read similar in other blogs.

I don't know what to make of it all but the anti anxiety drugs I started a couple of weeks back have started to kick in so I'm hoping my anxiety and stress will reduce to manageable levels and I can actually think straight.

On a lighter note I heard a guy in a cafe telling a child (about 9) how he wasn't going to be allowed sweets in the house any more when his little brother was born because they wanted to teach the younger one that raisins were sweets.  So the older brother would have to go outside to eat sweets and to hide them in the bottom of his bag if he had to bring them in the house.

I couldn't help but draw the comparison to smoking, obviously Haribo is the new drug that all the cool kids are doing.

Angel Day

I never contemplated the possibility that my baby might die.  Even when I'd been told about having obstetric cholestasis, it was under control.  There was another couple of weeks before I was in the 'danger zone'.  I was taking the medication and scheduled for induction at 37 weeks.

I was worried about having an actual baby to look after, I was getting really stressed that I hadn't packed my hospital bag yet and about how I didn't have a car seat so I wouldn't be able to get him home.  I'd put off buying things cos I was overwhelmed about what to buy and was worried about spending too much money on stuff.  I was worried about the pain of labour and if I'd be able to breastfeed.  You can imagine the things I worried about but never at any point did not having a live baby.

Even at the point of being at the hospital, one midwife had been concerned about his heart rate, being whisked in for a scan and them saying that his heart didn't sound right.  Even when I asked if I should phone my husband and get him in and they said yes.  Being rushed down to labour ward.  I did think that they'd be taking him out quick smart but that he'd be alive.  I was really worried that he'd be ill, that he wasn't ready to be born, that he'd have to be in SCBU.  My baby sister was born dead at 29 weeks and resuscitated and is a happy healthy 10 year old now.  Babies don't just die.  Otherwise healthy babies don't just die.

I feel naive, that I should have realised that he was dead.  How can I have a dead person inside me and not know?  How could I not realise that I was having contractions for hours?  Even before I left the hospital that morning where I had been for a blood test I was already in labour.  If I had stayed at the hospital or said something I might not be writing this now.  I might be preparing for a first birthday party with baby sick in my hair.  A little ginger monster toddling around and not sleeping for days on end.  I was so worried about not being ready for a small person but I was so much more prepared for that than this.

So now I commemorate his all too short life on the anniversary of his death.

See you in heaven wee man

No More Firsts

Coming up to Griffin's birthday, the thing that gets me is that there are no more firsts.  Just seconds, thirds, fourths and so on for forever.  I feel like this is my last real chance to be allowed to mourn him.  After this there's nothing new.  Having dealt with it all once I should be able to manage it again.

It's been such a long long year, I can't believe it's only been a year but it's hard to comprehend that it's been a whole year without my baby.

I have the 21st (the day he died) and the 22nd (his birthday) off work, as does hubby.  We had real trouble deciding what to do for his birthday but have decided to fly kites with some friends in the park, have a picnic dinner.  On the 21st we are going to the local Sands group.  We haven't been yet, always putting it off or been working or busy in some other way but with this timing I think we have to.

We live too far from his grave to make a trip there.  To be honest I'm not sure if I'd want to.  I haven't been there since the day after the funeral.  I know he's safe and the grave is tended but I don't need to go there to know he's not here any more.  His constant absence is stronger that anything I could have imagined.

I was at a meeting this evening and a woman was mentioning that she had no time to herself as having a baby is just so constant.  My automatic response was 'well so's grief' with a shot of venom and jealousy for good measure.  I didn't say it but it was definitely loud in my head.  I don't like these responses in myself.  I had only just met her and she didn't know about Griffin.  Even if she did, it is constant having a baby and in that instance worth a mention.  I'm feeling much more sensitive about it all at the moment.  Hardly surprising I guess.

In a week, as well as mourning the loss of my son I'll be mourning the loss of his firsts.

By now we would have had a first word, first wave, first smile, first solid foods, first step, so many firsts I can't even imagine.

But now we have our final first, a birthday, anniversary, angel day.  I hardly know what to call it.

Right Where I Am - 11 Months 1 Week

Part of the Right Where I am Project on Still Life With Circles.

11 months 1 week

I've been better.  With Griffin's birthday coming up soon, comparisons to this time last year are unavoidable.  There doesn't seem to be a day goes by that I amn't hit by sadness.  Normally out of the blue, just for a moment.  Sometimes my eyes just leak.  I don't feel especially sad but the tears won't stop.

I try to not control it too much.  Let it run it's course and I'll be fine again in a bit.  It's like I'm sailing on a calm sea and every so often it gets a bit choppy and I have to bail out water, it doesn't mean I'm sinking.  The giant waves that completely engulf me are much fewer than they used to be.  I still feel that I'll never be the same.  I guess I never will be really.  I'm on a much choppier ocean than I was before.

I can't stop thinking about him, what we went through together, what he would be doing now, how to commemorate his birthday.  The world is full of reminders.  I see him everywhere I go.  More than I used to, I used to block out the memories as best I could before but I welcome them now.  Even if they upset me.  It's normally not for long and I like to think about him.  The actual, physical, heart-wrenching pain of grief hardly visits any more.  Again I don't imagine I'll ever be truly free from it but I know I can cope with it.

I can't believe it's been a year, yet it also feels like it was something that happened to a different person a very long time ago.  I feel much more than a year older.  

My husband and I talk about him alot.  We take joy in the memories that we have of him and, in a bittersweet way, imagine what he would be like now and in the future.  We talk of future children, but in a very abstract way.  We're 'not avoiding' future pregnancies at this point but not actively trying.  I don't think I'll be able to comprehend actually having a child until it's looking at me.  It's a very abstract concept to me at the moment.  It's almost like we have an imaginary child.  In a way we do.  All we have is projections of his personality from how he behaved in the womb combined with our hopes and dreams for him.  

If someone asks if I have children I say no and it feels wrong to deny him but saying yes and explaining hurts more.  I find it really difficult to be myself among people who don't know about him but difficult to tell people.

I do feel truly happy at times.  Only today, I took real joy in spending time with my friends.  Taking a walk to the garden centre and choosing some new plants for my herb garden.  

It's been tough but I know who I can trust and rely on and I'm a stronger person now.  I'm more philosophical about emotions in general, trying to realise and accept them and move on.  

Story of a tear

One of the things I have come to know quite well over the last almost year is what it feels like when I'm about to cry or about to almost cry.  I noticed earlier when I was reading a a miscarriage story on someone's blog.  It sort of starts like a tickle in my nose, then moves to my throat, then it gets quite sore and my eyes get a bit blurry.  Often that's as far as it goes.  If I stop myself from crying it can get really painful, in my throat, nose and eyes.  I wish I hadn't cried so much to have noticed that.

I have decided to start a memorial page.  I don't want to add any babies without asking so let me know if there's anyone you'd like to add.

I've been back at work so far this week and still feeling like a different person to last week.  It's a bit of a roller coaster this path of mine to say the least.


PS.  I've reached 500 views, that's quite a mile stone, never expected to get that many.

Birthdays

Thank you everyone for all your good wishes and kind words.  I have had a much better day today and am hopeful again.  

All the first milestones have been difficult but I have found birthdays most galling of all.  Not just the big ones, close family and friends, but more distant too.  My own birthday, I pretty much allowed to go by unrecognised.  Hubby working away by this point meant he wasn't around.  My mum and sister, who I was staying with, I know they did something but I don't remember what.

But Griffin's birthday, it's coming up so soon and I don't know what to do for it.

Part of me wants to strike the date from the calendar and pretend it doesn't exist, stay in bed all day, potentially take something so I just sleep through it.  I know that's not a good idea though, it's going to happen whether I acknowledge it or not.

I want to do something beautiful.  I want to do something worthy of my son but I can't think what.

Does any one have any suggestions?  What have you done for the first birthday/anniversary?

Spirituality

Yesterday I lit a candle for Griffin and my Grandad at Westminster Cathedral (a wonderful cathedral that is often missed by tourists in favor of the Abbey, I recommend a visit if you are in the area).  I'm not religious.  Coming from the west of Scotland from a mixed Christian background, you learn to steer clear of these things.  My grandparents on both sides were devout.  I was christened in a Catholic cathedral and attended Sunday school at the Church of Scotland on and off for several years.

I do believe in a God and and afterlife.  I believe in angels and that there is something greater than people.  I do not believe in a God that intervenes in everyday life.  I don't believe that things happen 'for a reason' or 'God acts in mysterious ways'.  Death and destruction are byproducts of life not punishments or lessons doled out from above.

When Griffin was born we were asked if we would like a chaplain to say a blessing for him.  We wanted to wait until our family came for this but by this time the chaplain had left for the day.  Almost as an after thought the midwife said.  I think the hospital Imam is here, he would be willing to do a blessing if you'd like.  She was surprised (as was my MIL) that we both were more than happy to have a Muslim cleric perform a blessing on our baby.  It was a beautiful blessing.  He first said it in English, then Arabic and we were touched that he said Griffin's name several times.  He said he was honored that we asked him to be part of it.

MIL was not overly happy about it, but she's not a fan of anything that she's not an active part of and wouldn't have been happy unless she'd done the blessing herself.

We chose to have his funeral service at the cathedral where I had been christened and have him buried with my grandparents, in a beautiful cemetery at the top of a hill with a lovely view over a loch. My uncle died as a very young baby and is buried nearby.  Although it is far from where we live, it's somewhere we feel he'll always be safe.

I believe Griffin's in heaven and one day I'll see him again.

Change

I feel I'm different now.

Not in any perceptible way, not in any way I could describe but I am going to try.

I still do the same things, I look almost the same.  I'm a bit pudgier round the belly but that's surely to be expected.  To all intents and purposes things are exactly where they were before I ever got pregnant.

It's an outlook thing I suppose.  I see things in a different way.  I'm more thoughtful and think about things more.  I'm more decisive.  

An example of the new me.

My mum has a new boyfriend who I met last week for the first time.  He was annoyed with Mum because she didn't hold his hand on the walk from the station where we met him to the restaurant.  He made his opinion clear and talked/moaned about it for the first half an hour of dinner.  At one point he asked me to tell my mum that it's okay to hold his hand in public and that that was what couples did.  Previously I would have shrugged the question off and changed the subject but I told him basically to get a grip.  That it was awkward enough introducing a new partner to your close family and that it should be for her to lead on any physical contact and that he should respect that she may be nervous about holding his hand in front of me.

I was quite proud of myself.  Hubby and mum were too.

I guess the crux of the change in me is in attitude.  I worry less about offending people.  I mean, I'd never do it on purpose/for no reason, but I used to stress about offending people.  I went over conversations in my head again and again if  I thought I may have upset or offended them even if there had been no evidence that I had.  Madness!!   I care less about what people think of me now and I think that's a good thing.

I feel that I've grown up.

A Glimpse of an Alternative Future

I was walking through the park by where I lived last summer.  There was a boy, about 9, with bright red hair, quite long, wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, sitting on a bench.

It's likely that Griffin's hair would have grown in a different colour, but I'll always think of him a ginger.