For Griff

It's almost like you never were
and all a big bad dream
If only I could waken up
but then you'd not have been.

I couldn't wish your life away
however short it was
and that's the trap I'm living in
because there is such hurt

The hurt and pain won't go away
I don't want them to
When the story's said and done
It's all I have of you

My heart is still in tiny bits
it's often all I feel
I say again, again again
How can this be real?

Now What?

A year...

I did think that I was doing well in the lead up to Griffin's birthday.  I cried a bit the day before but on the actual day, I felt ok.  Sad but also that I'd come so far that I thought I could put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving forward.  However, I'm slightly falling apart.  I had a really destructive turn on thursday (b-day+1) where I got really (really really) drunk and it must have brought something up because I've been off ever since.

To the point that I went to the walk-in mental health unit for help.  They were really good.  I should be getting counselling in the next few weeks and they said I can go back whenever.  I'm feeling a bit better by the mere fact that I've taken action and someone unrelated to me is taking how I feel seriously.

It's such an anti climax.  There's not much else to say.

Angel Day

I never contemplated the possibility that my baby might die.  Even when I'd been told about having obstetric cholestasis, it was under control.  There was another couple of weeks before I was in the 'danger zone'.  I was taking the medication and scheduled for induction at 37 weeks.

I was worried about having an actual baby to look after, I was getting really stressed that I hadn't packed my hospital bag yet and about how I didn't have a car seat so I wouldn't be able to get him home.  I'd put off buying things cos I was overwhelmed about what to buy and was worried about spending too much money on stuff.  I was worried about the pain of labour and if I'd be able to breastfeed.  You can imagine the things I worried about but never at any point did not having a live baby.

Even at the point of being at the hospital, one midwife had been concerned about his heart rate, being whisked in for a scan and them saying that his heart didn't sound right.  Even when I asked if I should phone my husband and get him in and they said yes.  Being rushed down to labour ward.  I did think that they'd be taking him out quick smart but that he'd be alive.  I was really worried that he'd be ill, that he wasn't ready to be born, that he'd have to be in SCBU.  My baby sister was born dead at 29 weeks and resuscitated and is a happy healthy 10 year old now.  Babies don't just die.  Otherwise healthy babies don't just die.

I feel naive, that I should have realised that he was dead.  How can I have a dead person inside me and not know?  How could I not realise that I was having contractions for hours?  Even before I left the hospital that morning where I had been for a blood test I was already in labour.  If I had stayed at the hospital or said something I might not be writing this now.  I might be preparing for a first birthday party with baby sick in my hair.  A little ginger monster toddling around and not sleeping for days on end.  I was so worried about not being ready for a small person but I was so much more prepared for that than this.

So now I commemorate his all too short life on the anniversary of his death.

See you in heaven wee man

No More Firsts

Coming up to Griffin's birthday, the thing that gets me is that there are no more firsts.  Just seconds, thirds, fourths and so on for forever.  I feel like this is my last real chance to be allowed to mourn him.  After this there's nothing new.  Having dealt with it all once I should be able to manage it again.

It's been such a long long year, I can't believe it's only been a year but it's hard to comprehend that it's been a whole year without my baby.

I have the 21st (the day he died) and the 22nd (his birthday) off work, as does hubby.  We had real trouble deciding what to do for his birthday but have decided to fly kites with some friends in the park, have a picnic dinner.  On the 21st we are going to the local Sands group.  We haven't been yet, always putting it off or been working or busy in some other way but with this timing I think we have to.

We live too far from his grave to make a trip there.  To be honest I'm not sure if I'd want to.  I haven't been there since the day after the funeral.  I know he's safe and the grave is tended but I don't need to go there to know he's not here any more.  His constant absence is stronger that anything I could have imagined.

I was at a meeting this evening and a woman was mentioning that she had no time to herself as having a baby is just so constant.  My automatic response was 'well so's grief' with a shot of venom and jealousy for good measure.  I didn't say it but it was definitely loud in my head.  I don't like these responses in myself.  I had only just met her and she didn't know about Griffin.  Even if she did, it is constant having a baby and in that instance worth a mention.  I'm feeling much more sensitive about it all at the moment.  Hardly surprising I guess.

In a week, as well as mourning the loss of my son I'll be mourning the loss of his firsts.

By now we would have had a first word, first wave, first smile, first solid foods, first step, so many firsts I can't even imagine.

But now we have our final first, a birthday, anniversary, angel day.  I hardly know what to call it.

No Better

I was hoping that I was going through a bit of a blip the last few days and it'd clear up soon but it's really not.  If anything it's got worse.

I've been off work sick since Wednesday, all week really cos I do flexi-time and felt bad Monday/Tuesday but thought I'd just squeeze all my hours in the end of the week.  Getting to Wednesday and running out of days of the week, I either had to get to work or acknowledge that I couldn't.
I tried.
I had my shower, got dressed, even had breakfast!  I'd given myself enough time to not be rushed but not too much time to get distracted.  Got to the front door and just couldn't do it.  I couldn't bring myself to walk out the door.  I burst into tears.

I managed to get myself together enough to phone work and went back to bed fully clothed and slept for 4 hours, then woke up, hubby cooked me lunch and I cried, for ages.  I haven't cried like that in a while. I went to bed early and despite sleeping pills and cups of sleepy-time tea, I didn't get to sleep till gone 3.

Yesterday I felt a bit better, not up to work, but I did some house work and finished my knitting project.  At random points through the day I'd feel myself caught off guard and I'd be crying or my heart pounding or just stricken with memories.

Today, I thought I'd be fine.  I normally do a half day on Friday so, I thought I could manage that.  Again I tried, so hard.  At the front door, my heart was starting to speed up so I did some deep breathing and that helped me for about 30 seconds.  Still doing the deep breathing and concentrating merely on putting one foot in front of the other, the tears started about 50m down the road, 100m I had to stop to get a tissue out my bag.  That was as far as I got.

I feel a bit pathetic about not going to work because I'm sad but I know I'd be less that useless in this state so it's for the best.

After lunch I'm going to try and have a walk down the canal, see if it's being out of the house in general that's difficult or if it's specifically going to work that's the issue.

I just can't see a viable way forward at the moment.  I don't know what to do.

Constant Struggle

I've started to write this a few times over the last week but the words just don't work.

I've had a really bad few days.  Being on the brink of tears at least half the time.

It's exhausting.

I broke down on the phone to my mum the other day.  I'd kept it in all day at work and that evening because I knew that if I started crying when I'm on my own I might just not stop.

It's hard to think when I'm like that.  Added in, the busiest and most stressful week of the year at work.  Luckily that was last week and now it's plain sailing till summer.

I was at a friend's gig last night, one of my best friends, and was surrounded by some more of my closest friends and I was so sad, all night.

With there being just over a month till Griffin's first birthday I figure I'll probably get worse but it's already impinging on my ability to do things.  Also my cycle is completely messed up, I haven't had a period in over two months.  I feel like I've had PMS for a month and it's getting worse.  So I don't know what's messed up hormones, what's grief and what's just normal stress and exhaustion.

I do know that I'm finding everything more difficult to deal with.  I'm tired but can't sleep, feel like I'm about to cry but tears won't come when I have the chance to.

I'm scared that I actually have fertility issues, that Griffin was a miracle baby and I've gone and messed it up.