My husband has been quiet about father's day. It's difficult that it's so close to Griffin's birthday and he isn't in touch with his own father. It feels like he's missing out on both sides. We were at church today and the sermon was on the theme of Fathers day, like we didn't get enough of it in all the shops, but this was on the difficulties of dealing with Father's day. So many people have issue with the day, those who have lost their fathers or have difficult relationships with them. I do think it's good to have a day to honour Fathers but it's tough on alot of people for alot of different reasons.
We are still trying to figure out what to do on Friday, we have both taken the day off. Last year we went to Hampstead Heath with some friends and flew kites but I don't feel that it's right this year. We might go to the beach for the day or go for a picnic in the park. If the weather is miserable we might just stay in bed and get pizza delivered. whatever we do we will be honouringou r son by being together and thinking abouthim.
Showing posts with label anniversary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anniversary. Show all posts
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
Now What?
A year...
I did think that I was doing well in the lead up to Griffin's birthday. I cried a bit the day before but on the actual day, I felt ok. Sad but also that I'd come so far that I thought I could put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving forward. However, I'm slightly falling apart. I had a really destructive turn on thursday (b-day+1) where I got really (really really) drunk and it must have brought something up because I've been off ever since.
To the point that I went to the walk-in mental health unit for help. They were really good. I should be getting counselling in the next few weeks and they said I can go back whenever. I'm feeling a bit better by the mere fact that I've taken action and someone unrelated to me is taking how I feel seriously.
It's such an anti climax. There's not much else to say.
I did think that I was doing well in the lead up to Griffin's birthday. I cried a bit the day before but on the actual day, I felt ok. Sad but also that I'd come so far that I thought I could put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving forward. However, I'm slightly falling apart. I had a really destructive turn on thursday (b-day+1) where I got really (really really) drunk and it must have brought something up because I've been off ever since.
To the point that I went to the walk-in mental health unit for help. They were really good. I should be getting counselling in the next few weeks and they said I can go back whenever. I'm feeling a bit better by the mere fact that I've taken action and someone unrelated to me is taking how I feel seriously.
It's such an anti climax. There's not much else to say.
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
Angel Day
I never contemplated the possibility that my baby might die. Even when I'd been told about having obstetric cholestasis, it was under control. There was another couple of weeks before I was in the 'danger zone'. I was taking the medication and scheduled for induction at 37 weeks.
I was worried about having an actual baby to look after, I was getting really stressed that I hadn't packed my hospital bag yet and about how I didn't have a car seat so I wouldn't be able to get him home. I'd put off buying things cos I was overwhelmed about what to buy and was worried about spending too much money on stuff. I was worried about the pain of labour and if I'd be able to breastfeed. You can imagine the things I worried about but never at any point did not having a live baby.
Even at the point of being at the hospital, one midwife had been concerned about his heart rate, being whisked in for a scan and them saying that his heart didn't sound right. Even when I asked if I should phone my husband and get him in and they said yes. Being rushed down to labour ward. I did think that they'd be taking him out quick smart but that he'd be alive. I was really worried that he'd be ill, that he wasn't ready to be born, that he'd have to be in SCBU. My baby sister was born dead at 29 weeks and resuscitated and is a happy healthy 10 year old now. Babies don't just die. Otherwise healthy babies don't just die.
I feel naive, that I should have realised that he was dead. How can I have a dead person inside me and not know? How could I not realise that I was having contractions for hours? Even before I left the hospital that morning where I had been for a blood test I was already in labour. If I had stayed at the hospital or said something I might not be writing this now. I might be preparing for a first birthday party with baby sick in my hair. A little ginger monster toddling around and not sleeping for days on end. I was so worried about not being ready for a small person but I was so much more prepared for that than this.
So now I commemorate his all too short life on the anniversary of his death.
See you in heaven wee man
I was worried about having an actual baby to look after, I was getting really stressed that I hadn't packed my hospital bag yet and about how I didn't have a car seat so I wouldn't be able to get him home. I'd put off buying things cos I was overwhelmed about what to buy and was worried about spending too much money on stuff. I was worried about the pain of labour and if I'd be able to breastfeed. You can imagine the things I worried about but never at any point did not having a live baby.
Even at the point of being at the hospital, one midwife had been concerned about his heart rate, being whisked in for a scan and them saying that his heart didn't sound right. Even when I asked if I should phone my husband and get him in and they said yes. Being rushed down to labour ward. I did think that they'd be taking him out quick smart but that he'd be alive. I was really worried that he'd be ill, that he wasn't ready to be born, that he'd have to be in SCBU. My baby sister was born dead at 29 weeks and resuscitated and is a happy healthy 10 year old now. Babies don't just die. Otherwise healthy babies don't just die.
I feel naive, that I should have realised that he was dead. How can I have a dead person inside me and not know? How could I not realise that I was having contractions for hours? Even before I left the hospital that morning where I had been for a blood test I was already in labour. If I had stayed at the hospital or said something I might not be writing this now. I might be preparing for a first birthday party with baby sick in my hair. A little ginger monster toddling around and not sleeping for days on end. I was so worried about not being ready for a small person but I was so much more prepared for that than this.
So now I commemorate his all too short life on the anniversary of his death.
See you in heaven wee man
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