Mothers Day

Mother's Day has always been a bit of a deal in my family.  My mum lost her mother before I was born and I think that was why it was always remembered, normally just with a card and breakfast in bed but it was never forgotten.  Last year I sent her a card and some chocolates I didn't consider it to be a day for me too.  I kind of wish I did now as it would have been my only Mother's Day with Griffin.

This year was understandably subdued.

Mother's Day was at the start of April in the UK so I wrote this post about it then.

Mother's Day Post

Babylost Mother's Day

I've managed to miss this by two hours, but it's still Sunday somewhere in the world and I just found out that it existed.  
Thank you Carly Marie for starting it.  I think it's a great idea.  Anything to help make people more aware of baby loss and to try to make it less of a taboo subject can only be a good thing.
 CarlyMarie's Blog
Also a day where you don't have to feel bad about raining on everyone else's parade.  
In fact the only bad thing about this day is that it is needed at all.
This poem was written by Angie at Still Life With Circles for this day last year.  It's a beautiful poem.
Though I lose my petals

I am still a flower.

We grow together,

in a garden bed

of ash and tears,

heartbreak and love.

Whispered support blows

towards our delicate beauty,

crying nourishes our shared roots,

and the warmth of our compassion

heals the winter of our grief.

Though we have lost a petal,

we are still flowers,

lush and full together

in a garden of hope.

For Carly

-Angie M. Yingst

Sending my love to all babyloss mummies.  

Mothers Day

That wonderful day dedicated to all things maternal.  I was expecting it to be a bit upsetting but so far I'm ok.  Hubby contemplated getting me a card but that would just be wrong I feel.

I'm not quite sure where I stand in this one.  Am I a mother, an ex-mother?  I really don't know.  Should I even be trying to define this, does it matter?  Once a mother always a mother I guess, but  thats a much easier definition if your child lived out side the womb.  In that instance one would have already been considered a mother, there's no quibbling that one.  But if your child dies just before birth, never been taken home or done any of the normal motherly things.  Never fed or consoled or even changed a nappy.  Where does that put you?

I didn't feel much like a mother when I was pregnant.  To be honest, I was pretty much in shock for most of the pregnancy.  My sister was born dead at 29 weeks (but was resuscitated and is now a healthy 10 year old) so I didn't feel able to really bond with 'Bumpy' until he'd reached that point and when I was told that they'd be inducing me early, my first thought was that I wasn't ready.  I'd only had 4 weeks to get used to the idea of actually having a baby rather than the 20 odd that I'd known I was pregnant.  Afterwards I felt more like a beaten rag than anything resembling a person never mind a mother.  I couldn't be a mother as I'd failed at the most basic of motherly tasks.

So yes, it doesn't matter how I'm defined today.  This should be my first Mothers Day with a baby hand print or scrawl in a card I'd probably keep forever but it's not and that's the most wrong thing of all.