Mothers Day

That wonderful day dedicated to all things maternal.  I was expecting it to be a bit upsetting but so far I'm ok.  Hubby contemplated getting me a card but that would just be wrong I feel.

I'm not quite sure where I stand in this one.  Am I a mother, an ex-mother?  I really don't know.  Should I even be trying to define this, does it matter?  Once a mother always a mother I guess, but  thats a much easier definition if your child lived out side the womb.  In that instance one would have already been considered a mother, there's no quibbling that one.  But if your child dies just before birth, never been taken home or done any of the normal motherly things.  Never fed or consoled or even changed a nappy.  Where does that put you?

I didn't feel much like a mother when I was pregnant.  To be honest, I was pretty much in shock for most of the pregnancy.  My sister was born dead at 29 weeks (but was resuscitated and is now a healthy 10 year old) so I didn't feel able to really bond with 'Bumpy' until he'd reached that point and when I was told that they'd be inducing me early, my first thought was that I wasn't ready.  I'd only had 4 weeks to get used to the idea of actually having a baby rather than the 20 odd that I'd known I was pregnant.  Afterwards I felt more like a beaten rag than anything resembling a person never mind a mother.  I couldn't be a mother as I'd failed at the most basic of motherly tasks.

So yes, it doesn't matter how I'm defined today.  This should be my first Mothers Day with a baby hand print or scrawl in a card I'd probably keep forever but it's not and that's the most wrong thing of all.