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Sunday, 3 April 2011

Mothers Day

That wonderful day dedicated to all things maternal.  I was expecting it to be a bit upsetting but so far I'm ok.  Hubby contemplated getting me a card but that would just be wrong I feel.

I'm not quite sure where I stand in this one.  Am I a mother, an ex-mother?  I really don't know.  Should I even be trying to define this, does it matter?  Once a mother always a mother I guess, but  thats a much easier definition if your child lived out side the womb.  In that instance one would have already been considered a mother, there's no quibbling that one.  But if your child dies just before birth, never been taken home or done any of the normal motherly things.  Never fed or consoled or even changed a nappy.  Where does that put you?

I didn't feel much like a mother when I was pregnant.  To be honest, I was pretty much in shock for most of the pregnancy.  My sister was born dead at 29 weeks (but was resuscitated and is now a healthy 10 year old) so I didn't feel able to really bond with 'Bumpy' until he'd reached that point and when I was told that they'd be inducing me early, my first thought was that I wasn't ready.  I'd only had 4 weeks to get used to the idea of actually having a baby rather than the 20 odd that I'd known I was pregnant.  Afterwards I felt more like a beaten rag than anything resembling a person never mind a mother.  I couldn't be a mother as I'd failed at the most basic of motherly tasks.

So yes, it doesn't matter how I'm defined today.  This should be my first Mothers Day with a baby hand print or scrawl in a card I'd probably keep forever but it's not and that's the most wrong thing of all.


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss and share many of the same feelings that you mentioned in this post. I'm contemplating whether or not I'm a mother and whether or not I should acknowledge mother's day this upcoming Sunday. I lost twin boys at 19 weeks on 2/2/11 and agree that I feel pretty much like a beaten rag...barely human.

  2. Thank you for joining the FOLFOH blog hop. We are so honored you shared your blog with us.

    I understand your questioning feeling like a mother. I too struggle with that question myself, and my son lived for 4.5 months (he lost his life to SIDS in Oct). And I question being a mother myself. I know I am a mother, as I gave birth to him. But I don't feel like one at all right now, and that is the toughest part. This past mother's day should have been my 1st with a live baby. I'm so so sorry for the loss of your precious son.