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Friday, 22 April 2011

Way Past Bedtime

It's early Friday morning of a bank holiday weekend and I'm at home unable to sleep.  Nothing's wrong, I'm not upset, I just can't sleep.

This happens from time to time.  It's rather frustrating but I've given up worrying about it, it's not like I have anything to get up for tomorrow.

I've been dwelling recently.  Spending quite alot of time on blogs by mothers who had had stillbirths.  I don't know if this is a good or bad thing.  Thinking about having another baby.  I think it started in earnest after I took part in a research study about feelings about Stillbirth and Subsequent Pregnancy (SAPS).  It took the form of a 90 min interview about Griff and my experience of the birth and immediate aftermath and about how I felt about having another child.

http://www.oxfordshiresands.org.uk/sasp-study

It set me thinking.  I mean I hadn't ever stopped thinking about Griffin but having another child, the pregnancy journey, terrified me.  I didn't see how I could ever contemplate putting myself and my family through it.  But talking the whole thing through made me feel that I could at some point soon be ready.

I think I might be now.

Ten months to the minute, god that's mental.  2.22 am I just saw the time on the clock.  Synchronisity!

Chatting with hubby, he'd like to wait for a couple of months for practical reasons, but that's cool.  I'm not after rushing into anything.  Just to feel that I have the potential to move forward makes me feel less trapped.

3 comments:

  1. After our still birth we were back on the horse (so to speak) as soon as we were medically cleared. It's such a personal thing but for me even though the pregnancy was terrifying - I was healed the moment I held my baby in my arms. I gave birth to my second son 54 weeks to the day following birthing my first son.

    I am sending you my love as you travel this difficult road into a post stillbirth pregnancy.

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  2. I want to get pregnant asap and its only been 3 1/2 months. I am terrified as hell to be pregnant again though, with all that went wrong and don't know if I could ever go though this again. Each day I'll just wonder if this will be the day my babies heart will stop again.
    Just do what feels right for you and your hubby

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  3. Straight off I did really desperately want to be pregnant again and we did try for a few months but I really wasn't up to it. I don't keep too well and my body was really really weak so we made the sensible decision to take some time to get stronger to give my next baby the best possible chance. It wasn't what I wanted to do at the time but I don't regret it.
    There was too much going on at the time for me to deal with. I couldn't have managed a smidgen more.

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