It's early Friday morning of a bank holiday weekend and I'm at home unable to sleep. Nothing's wrong, I'm not upset, I just can't sleep.
This happens from time to time. It's rather frustrating but I've given up worrying about it, it's not like I have anything to get up for tomorrow.
I've been dwelling recently. Spending quite alot of time on blogs by mothers who had had stillbirths. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. Thinking about having another baby. I think it started in earnest after I took part in a research study about feelings about Stillbirth and Subsequent Pregnancy (SAPS). It took the form of a 90 min interview about Griff and my experience of the birth and immediate aftermath and about how I felt about having another child.
It set me thinking. I mean I hadn't ever stopped thinking about Griffin but having another child, the pregnancy journey, terrified me. I didn't see how I could ever contemplate putting myself and my family through it. But talking the whole thing through made me feel that I could at some point soon be ready.
I think I might be now.
Ten months to the minute, god that's mental. 2.22 am I just saw the time on the clock. Synchronisity!
Chatting with hubby, he'd like to wait for a couple of months for practical reasons, but that's cool. I'm not after rushing into anything. Just to feel that I have the potential to move forward makes me feel less trapped.