I had a blood test at the hospital on Monday morning then went to Holborn to hand in my assessment at college. By the time I got there I was in labour and got a taxi right back to the hospital. I wasn't particularly worried at this point, well I was worried that I wasn't ready for the baby to come cos I didn't have a buggy or car seat to get him home from the hospital, but not for a second did I think there was anything wrong.
I got there and they did a scan and said that his heartbeat wasn't as strong as they would have liked so he would probably have to be born right then. I phoned my husband and he started his way there but he works at the other side of London so would be at least an hour. They whisked me down to labour ward and got the theatre ready for an emergency c-section but the consultant did a further scan and concluded that it was too late.
I don't remember much from that point. I remember trying to phone my mum and not being able to say it. I had to get the Dr to tell her. She got them to bring in her friend who's a midwife at the same hospital and she got there before my husband.
He tells me that he was hoping that he'd turn up at the hospital to his baby but had a terrible feeling that it had all gone wrong.
Both our mums managed to get there for the next morning so they saw him before we let him go.
In the immediate aftermath I didn't sleep for 5 days. Not until I was given sleeping pills.
I don't know how I'm still alive to be honest. I didn't feel alive for months. I still don't sometimes but I find that life has a way of finding the chinks and making you feel. Even if you don't want to.
My first son was stillborn at 26 weeks under quite different circumstances to yours but nevertheless devastating. I felt like I would never recover but I didn't blog all of my feelings with genuine honesty. I think it's great that you are doing that. For me I don't think I would have gotten over it at all if I didn't have my second son. It was the feeling of worry that I would never have children that haunted me. Noah healed me but that pregnancy was filled with fear and dread every day. I think once you've experienced stillbirth you lose your innocence. I am pregnant again and all I want is a baby in my arms - for me pregnancy is now just a means to an end which is really sad. I'll be following your journey with great interest.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the loss of your little one. My son had to be delivered just after having fetal surgery at 26 weeks because his heart stopped and the dr's tried but they couldn't resuscitate him. I couldn't sleep after he died either, even with a sleeping pill. I just didn't want to sleep, sleeping meant I had to wake up to a new day without him.
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