Right Where I Am - 11 Months 1 Week

Part of the Right Where I am Project on Still Life With Circles.

11 months 1 week

I've been better.  With Griffin's birthday coming up soon, comparisons to this time last year are unavoidable.  There doesn't seem to be a day goes by that I amn't hit by sadness.  Normally out of the blue, just for a moment.  Sometimes my eyes just leak.  I don't feel especially sad but the tears won't stop.

I try to not control it too much.  Let it run it's course and I'll be fine again in a bit.  It's like I'm sailing on a calm sea and every so often it gets a bit choppy and I have to bail out water, it doesn't mean I'm sinking.  The giant waves that completely engulf me are much fewer than they used to be.  I still feel that I'll never be the same.  I guess I never will be really.  I'm on a much choppier ocean than I was before.

I can't stop thinking about him, what we went through together, what he would be doing now, how to commemorate his birthday.  The world is full of reminders.  I see him everywhere I go.  More than I used to, I used to block out the memories as best I could before but I welcome them now.  Even if they upset me.  It's normally not for long and I like to think about him.  The actual, physical, heart-wrenching pain of grief hardly visits any more.  Again I don't imagine I'll ever be truly free from it but I know I can cope with it.

I can't believe it's been a year, yet it also feels like it was something that happened to a different person a very long time ago.  I feel much more than a year older.  

My husband and I talk about him alot.  We take joy in the memories that we have of him and, in a bittersweet way, imagine what he would be like now and in the future.  We talk of future children, but in a very abstract way.  We're 'not avoiding' future pregnancies at this point but not actively trying.  I don't think I'll be able to comprehend actually having a child until it's looking at me.  It's a very abstract concept to me at the moment.  It's almost like we have an imaginary child.  In a way we do.  All we have is projections of his personality from how he behaved in the womb combined with our hopes and dreams for him.  

If someone asks if I have children I say no and it feels wrong to deny him but saying yes and explaining hurts more.  I find it really difficult to be myself among people who don't know about him but difficult to tell people.

I do feel truly happy at times.  Only today, I took real joy in spending time with my friends.  Taking a walk to the garden centre and choosing some new plants for my herb garden.  

It's been tough but I know who I can trust and rely on and I'm a stronger person now.  I'm more philosophical about emotions in general, trying to realise and accept them and move on.  

Story of a tear

One of the things I have come to know quite well over the last almost year is what it feels like when I'm about to cry or about to almost cry.  I noticed earlier when I was reading a a miscarriage story on someone's blog.  It sort of starts like a tickle in my nose, then moves to my throat, then it gets quite sore and my eyes get a bit blurry.  Often that's as far as it goes.  If I stop myself from crying it can get really painful, in my throat, nose and eyes.  I wish I hadn't cried so much to have noticed that.

I have decided to start a memorial page.  I don't want to add any babies without asking so let me know if there's anyone you'd like to add.

I've been back at work so far this week and still feeling like a different person to last week.  It's a bit of a roller coaster this path of mine to say the least.


PS.  I've reached 500 views, that's quite a mile stone, never expected to get that many.

Birthdays

Thank you everyone for all your good wishes and kind words.  I have had a much better day today and am hopeful again.  

All the first milestones have been difficult but I have found birthdays most galling of all.  Not just the big ones, close family and friends, but more distant too.  My own birthday, I pretty much allowed to go by unrecognised.  Hubby working away by this point meant he wasn't around.  My mum and sister, who I was staying with, I know they did something but I don't remember what.

But Griffin's birthday, it's coming up so soon and I don't know what to do for it.

Part of me wants to strike the date from the calendar and pretend it doesn't exist, stay in bed all day, potentially take something so I just sleep through it.  I know that's not a good idea though, it's going to happen whether I acknowledge it or not.

I want to do something beautiful.  I want to do something worthy of my son but I can't think what.

Does any one have any suggestions?  What have you done for the first birthday/anniversary?

No Better

I was hoping that I was going through a bit of a blip the last few days and it'd clear up soon but it's really not.  If anything it's got worse.

I've been off work sick since Wednesday, all week really cos I do flexi-time and felt bad Monday/Tuesday but thought I'd just squeeze all my hours in the end of the week.  Getting to Wednesday and running out of days of the week, I either had to get to work or acknowledge that I couldn't.
I tried.
I had my shower, got dressed, even had breakfast!  I'd given myself enough time to not be rushed but not too much time to get distracted.  Got to the front door and just couldn't do it.  I couldn't bring myself to walk out the door.  I burst into tears.

I managed to get myself together enough to phone work and went back to bed fully clothed and slept for 4 hours, then woke up, hubby cooked me lunch and I cried, for ages.  I haven't cried like that in a while. I went to bed early and despite sleeping pills and cups of sleepy-time tea, I didn't get to sleep till gone 3.

Yesterday I felt a bit better, not up to work, but I did some house work and finished my knitting project.  At random points through the day I'd feel myself caught off guard and I'd be crying or my heart pounding or just stricken with memories.

Today, I thought I'd be fine.  I normally do a half day on Friday so, I thought I could manage that.  Again I tried, so hard.  At the front door, my heart was starting to speed up so I did some deep breathing and that helped me for about 30 seconds.  Still doing the deep breathing and concentrating merely on putting one foot in front of the other, the tears started about 50m down the road, 100m I had to stop to get a tissue out my bag.  That was as far as I got.

I feel a bit pathetic about not going to work because I'm sad but I know I'd be less that useless in this state so it's for the best.

After lunch I'm going to try and have a walk down the canal, see if it's being out of the house in general that's difficult or if it's specifically going to work that's the issue.

I just can't see a viable way forward at the moment.  I don't know what to do.

Call to action

http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/stop-the-stillbirth-scandal-join-grazia-and-sands-cam.html

I just found this.  It's a petition from Sands-UK (the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society) and Grazia magazine with the aim of raising awareness of stillbirth and also to campaign for more research into how otherwise healthy babies can be saved.

Please sign if you can.

Thanks

Constant Struggle

I've started to write this a few times over the last week but the words just don't work.

I've had a really bad few days.  Being on the brink of tears at least half the time.

It's exhausting.

I broke down on the phone to my mum the other day.  I'd kept it in all day at work and that evening because I knew that if I started crying when I'm on my own I might just not stop.

It's hard to think when I'm like that.  Added in, the busiest and most stressful week of the year at work.  Luckily that was last week and now it's plain sailing till summer.

I was at a friend's gig last night, one of my best friends, and was surrounded by some more of my closest friends and I was so sad, all night.

With there being just over a month till Griffin's first birthday I figure I'll probably get worse but it's already impinging on my ability to do things.  Also my cycle is completely messed up, I haven't had a period in over two months.  I feel like I've had PMS for a month and it's getting worse.  So I don't know what's messed up hormones, what's grief and what's just normal stress and exhaustion.

I do know that I'm finding everything more difficult to deal with.  I'm tired but can't sleep, feel like I'm about to cry but tears won't come when I have the chance to.

I'm scared that I actually have fertility issues, that Griffin was a miracle baby and I've gone and messed it up.

Thanks

My blog passed 300 views today and have 8 followers.  When I started this thing a couple of months ago I never really expected anyone to read it.  Thanks for reading.

I've had a really weird week or so emotionally.  I guess there's been a lot on.  It's been hectic at work and I've taken on a second job.  I'm planning on starting up a small business of my own so I need some start up cash but this was really the wrong week to take anything new on.

I've been keeping myself artificially busy.  I thought I was doing alright but I realised today that I'm keeping myself distracted so I don't have to be quiet by myself.  I've discovered whole new tv series that I was never into before or that I'd gone off.  Glee, Chuck, Grey's Anatomy, House... the list goes on.  I've been spending my free time watching back episodes of so-so American drama.  Then this evening I stayed at home rather than go to a friend's birthday party.  I'm simultaneously avoiding other people and spending time on my own.  In both I am managing to procrastinate from doing anything of use, from housework, to exercise, to new business plans.  

I have bursts of almost hyper activity and high moods then lengths of nothing-ness.  Not as much as sadness, more of a flat feeling, stagnant.

Mothers Day

Mother's Day has always been a bit of a deal in my family.  My mum lost her mother before I was born and I think that was why it was always remembered, normally just with a card and breakfast in bed but it was never forgotten.  Last year I sent her a card and some chocolates I didn't consider it to be a day for me too.  I kind of wish I did now as it would have been my only Mother's Day with Griffin.

This year was understandably subdued.

Mother's Day was at the start of April in the UK so I wrote this post about it then.

Mother's Day Post

Babylost Mother's Day

I've managed to miss this by two hours, but it's still Sunday somewhere in the world and I just found out that it existed.  
Thank you Carly Marie for starting it.  I think it's a great idea.  Anything to help make people more aware of baby loss and to try to make it less of a taboo subject can only be a good thing.
 CarlyMarie's Blog
Also a day where you don't have to feel bad about raining on everyone else's parade.  
In fact the only bad thing about this day is that it is needed at all.
This poem was written by Angie at Still Life With Circles for this day last year.  It's a beautiful poem.
Though I lose my petals

I am still a flower.

We grow together,

in a garden bed

of ash and tears,

heartbreak and love.

Whispered support blows

towards our delicate beauty,

crying nourishes our shared roots,

and the warmth of our compassion

heals the winter of our grief.

Though we have lost a petal,

we are still flowers,

lush and full together

in a garden of hope.

For Carly

-Angie M. Yingst

Sending my love to all babyloss mummies.